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The Brutality Report - Chexsystems

Although ChexSystems is a real business, its identity--like fellow X-word corporations Kleenex and Xerox--has suffered the long slide into genericization. Since the company's founding in 1985, its name has devolved into shorthand for a general type of...

Although ChexSystems is a real business, its identity—like fellow X-word corporations Kleenex and Xerox—has suffered the long slide into genericization. Since the company's founding in 1985, its name has devolved into shorthand for a general type of humiliation that verges close to bank-on-customer violence. The word can be used as both noun and verb. I personally have gotten ChexSystemed by Bank Of America, Bank Of Rhode Island, California Bank & Trust, Chase, Jefferson National Bank, Wachovia, Washington Mutual, and Wells Fargo. The psychic scars don't heal.

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You'll know you've just gotten ChexSystemed when you hear the word “actually” spoken by a banker. This word will be in italics. "Actually," the banker will say, with feigned compassion, “there's a problem with your account." Perhaps the bank decided to place a 32-day hold on your paycheck. Or maybe you were a nickel off when you used your debit card to buy a roll of toilet paper, initiating a domino chain of overdraft charges that left you owing the bank 600 dollars. Perhaps the bank has simply decided to stop honoring your checks so that you might learn a valuable lesson about frugality.

Of course, the real problem is always the same thing: you've just been humiliated in public. No bully, gym teacher, or ex-lover can so thoroughly vaporize your self-confidence as a bank employee speaking in hushed tones. The lack of yelling makes it worse. After it's over, you stumble to the bank entrance in a daze. Not only have you disappointed yourself, the teller, and the bank, but now you're doubting your own sanity. How could this have happened?

None of this is as brutally, brutastically brutal as actually getting ChexSystemed by ChexSystems itself. When that happens, there won't be a problem with your account. The problem will be with you, on your first day in the bank. "Actually," the banker will say. You'll notice that he or she has stopped reviewing your paperwork. "Actually… you've been reported to ChexSystems. We can't open your account. I'm so sorry." You'll react with shock. This is America! How can this be?

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ChexSystems is how. As this nation's premier eFunds check verification service, ChexSystems reports to a majority of American banks, that then use this incriminating data to banish people from opening bank accounts. Sometimes the bad strike on a ChexSystems report can be for something serious, like fraudulent activity, or nunchucking a bank manager. But many bad strikes result from mere overdraft charges. And once you're locked out of the banking system, you stay out. For five years. That means you are banished from an entire sphere of human activity for half a decade. The appeals process (called "applying at bank after bank after bank") is harder and more humiliating than what most ex-felons endure to restore their voting rights.

After I myself got whacked by the company in 2001, I spent years concocting a rather elaborate revenge fantasy. It goes like this: I drive to suburban Minneapolis and pay a visit to ChexSystems HQ. "Actually," I'll say as I pie the receptionist and pants the feeble security guard. "Actually," I'll say as I pee all over the ChexSystems conference room. "Actually, guys," I'll say as I address the weeping staff in the parking lot, their own office complex engulfed in flames behind me.

"Actually, you fucking assholes are banished from holding jobs for the next five years. Is that clear?"

"Yes, Sam," the humbled employees will say tearfully as the gathering crowd of onlookers issues a standing ovation for my courage.

SAM MCPHEETERS

http://twitter.com/#!/sammcpheeters

Previously - The Art of Glenn McCoy