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Kelly's Krush Korner - Karen O

Karen O, in both looks and manner, is as close to "the perfect girl" as you can get. Sure, she'd probably embarrass the shit out of you at the office Christmas party, but she'd give you crazy sex-eyes from across the room, too.
December 21, 2011, 12:00am

Karen O, in both looks and manner, is as close to “the perfect girl” as you can get. Sure, she’d probably embarrass the shit out of you at your office Christmas party, going on for 45 minutes about dinosaurs, or period cups, or who knows what else, but she’d give you crazy sex-eyes from across the room while flitting around and make up for that, and any other grievance you may find to pin upon her.

If you’re out there right now, and you’re a pretty girl who may wonder from time to time, “Oh man, I’m really pretty, but I’m also weird as hell, I wonder if my being weird as hell cancels out my pretty-ness.” The answer is no. NO. It makes it better, because in the mind of people who have lived life long enough to know what’s what, a weird pretty girl = sex bruises that last for three weeks, and sex bruises that last for three weeks are the only thing worth living for, when you really break life down to its most important elements, which are boobs, grabby hands, and a filthy mouth.

I will always have a warm spot in my soul for Karen O, because one of the hottest sexcapades I’ve had to date was set to the tune of the Yeah Yeah Yeahs first album. I’m sure you all know this about having sex already, but the hardest thing about it is trying to figure out what music to play while doing it. The instance that I’m telling you about right now occurred a few years ago with a comedian/dancer I was dating and, in a pinch, I threw on the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and Karen O’s primal nuttery took a normal makeout session from PG-13 to XXX in, like, 35 seconds or less. My GF and I were sitting in a chair, grinding parts and putting fingers wherever we could shove them (Stop masturbating to my life!), and then it was like each song on the album created a building block effect in my nervous system that amounted to me all of a sudden knowing how to do some full on Cirque Du Soleil shit. Legs over shoulders, and then a full twist/flip to forearms on hardwood floors that sent me to work the next morning looking like I worked part-time demonstrating how to break boards with my arms via scraping. I was impressed with myself, and I was impressed with the Olympic-quality orgasms I gymnastically shoved out of my own body, and thus, owe a lot to Karen O.

Sometimes I have to wonder what it would be like to actually have sex with Karen O, considering how sexy her music has made me feel in the past. I tried to hit on her a year ago, after seeing her play a show at The Bowery, but she was so wasted that after everything I said she just kept laughing crazily and then pouring beer on her face. When she poured beer on her face I got as close to her as possible so that some of it would also spritz on me, hoping that that would light the match of kink I was hoping for, and kick things into gear, but I think she’s so used to spilling beer on people that it’s way removed from being any sort of sexy by way of disrespectful scenario.

As I was preparing to write this thing, I asked my current, favorite, real-life kissing partner what she thought about Karen O and she was like, “Oh damn, I don’t know. She’s got that big round face. It’s like a dinner plate you could eat your dinner off of. I’m usually too distracted by its proportions to think of anything else.” I thought about this for a really long time and realized that there’s some sort of joke/connection that can be made between lesbian vagina eating and a woman’s face looking like a dinner plate, but honestly I’ve had way too many beers to tie those threads together right now, and am also distracted by the need to go in the bathroom and touch my privates before watching a movie with my friend. You guyssssssss, life is full of complicated choices. If I can teach you one thing, it’s that. And that if you love someone, you should spit beer on them and learn gymnastics.

Previously - Jemina Pearl