The men and women who make up the “digital creative class” are a disgrace to their forebears. The industry, as it stands right now, has the imagination of a sheet of drywall. They have managed to create an atmosphere where even the laziest, most lackluster ads are praised among their coworkers and celebrated as “brilliant” by the internet’s media-blogging lemmings. The quality of work has plummeted to such a low point in the digital advertising and marketing industry that I feel like a fucking Creative God, when in reality I am just an above-average copywriter.
Nearly all of today’s social media managers, even the “good” ones, wouldn’t have cut it at the lowest level of a good creative agency 30, 20—heck—ten years ago. By way of example, let’s look at what is now universally considered the most magnificent social media brand creation ever: Oreo’s 2013 Super Bowl blackout tweet ad.
Power out? No problem. pic.twitter.com/dnQ7pOgC
—Oreo Cookie (@Oreo), February 4, 2013
The man who takes credit for this historical advertising masterpiece is Adam Kerj (who probably is not a dipshit), chief creative officer at New York City digital marketing agency 360i. His “real-time” ad garnered 525,000,000 earned impressions for Oreo.
As a tweet, this one wasn't half bad (although if 360i had tweeted it during a blackout at, say, an NBA championship game, it would have been better). The problem I had with it was the amount of fevered praise it received from all corners of the internet. Everyone employed in the social media world leaped without thinking onto the Oreo garbage barge that night, lauding, gushing over, and ejaculating on the tweet like it was the second coming of “Lemon.”
Below is a (slightly) better Super Bowl XLVII blackout Oreo tweet ad that I thought up in under one minute.
Tweet copy: “Here’s the official cookie of the Super Bowl blackout.”
Ad headline: “The Chocolate Oreo. It’s dark inside too.” (The game was in the Superdome in New Orleans, for you non-football/ad fans). The layout would be a cookie in a spotlight, small headline in reverse white-on-black type, two lines, centered on the page.
My ad is not great, but it makes more sense, considering the circumstances.
Was there an “Oreo Moment” at this year’s Super Bowl? Well, JC Penney was the clear “earned impressions” winner. But their Twitter attention grab was so juvenile and asinine it made Oreo’s look brilliant.
To that point, let’s take a look at that stunt, plus a sampling of the dipshittiest social media work via major brands from the first six weeks of 2014.
Who kkmew theis was ghiong tob e a baweball ghamle. #lowsscorinh 5_0
—JCPenney (@jcpenney), February 2, 2014
Toughdown Seadawks!! Is sSeattle going toa runaway wit h this???
—JCPenney (@jcpenney), February 3, 2014
JC Penney’s Twitter maven had the internet abuzz during the Super Bowl with his/her typo-filled tweets. What the fuck on God’s good Earth was going on?
He/she was wearing mittens!
And BOOM, there it was: Adland’s Oreo moment.
I would wager that a few social media dipshits have since dug out their mittens (or bought a pair) and stared at their screens, racking their impressions-driven brains trying to think of a similar stunt.
—popchips (@popchips), January 20, 2014
It’s said that there are no rules in advertising, but one thing that should now be an ironclad social media branding rule is this: SHUT THE FUCK UP on somber days of remembrance. Right, SpaghettiOs?
Last month, on Martin Luther King Jr. Day, the Twitter genius at popchips decided to get out his or her pun gun and re-assassinate MLK. Did you know King was an “eternal poptimist?” Wonder if he heard the rifle “pop” as that 30-aught-six round ripped through his jaw?
Today is the day for dreaming. Happy MLK Day.
—ZzzQuil (@ZzzQuil), January 20, 2014
Also quick to jump on MLK’s grave to sell product was ZzzQuil. You can imagine the brand’s Twidiot, rubbing his or her mittened hands together with glee over the perfect connection between civil rights and drug-aided sleep. I believe MLK also said, “I’ll dream when I’m dead.” Do the dead dream? We’ll all find out.
Now this is a scintillating Facebook update.
ARE YOU NOT ENGAGED?
With crackerjack minds like this in charge of the brand face of Sony, it’s hard to believe projections that they’ll be bankrupt within two years.
Surf just posted one of their ads from the 1950s (Surf was introduced in 1959) to their Facebook page. At least that is what I’m assuming is going on here. That mum looks pretty modern, though. Anyway, do you agree with Surf, women who have children? Go engage with them, here’s their page. You’ll meet their bright white mascot, Surfy!
Lastly, I guess one could argue that Applebee’s is hitting their target demo square in the gut with this Facebook mind expander. SHIT is a color. SHIT doesn’t have an “e” in it. SHIT is my answer. SHIT.
Here's a great tip for all the social media dipshits out there: Follow the Condescending Corporate Brand Facebook page. It may save you from showing up in this column in the future.