As if Christchurch residents don’t have their hands full rebuilding their quake-stricken city, the big man in the sky took another steaming piss on their hopes and dreams last week as streets turned into canals during a one-in-100-year flood. While the piss-poor excuse for summer weather was definitely a culprit, shoddy drains were also blamed, adding a buttload more work to the already massive fix-up list. With that stink note to start on, here’s the rest of the news.
Darryl Kerrigan would have been proud of the Nelson bloke who took on the local authorities to keep his castle—a single room shack constructed from wooden pallets and corrugated iron. When Nelson City Council ordered the removal of the ramshackle structure standing on stilts on the shore, owner and builder Paul Jepson one-upped the bureaucrats by converting his castle into a houseboat, tying it to steel drums and floating into the harbour. Local harbour master Captain Dave Duncan had no choice but to allow it, although he admitted he still didn’t have the cojones to strike up a conversation with the man. “He throws rocks at us so I've got no desire to go anywhere near the guy.” The houseboat is reportedly solar powered, fitted with a potbellied stove and has a rainwater collection system, but as yet, no sign of a pool room.
A Christchurch man ended up in fisticuffs after being cock-blocked by police in a public park. Cops tried to intervene while he was getting frisky with his ex-girlfriend at 10AM in full view of children, he responded by verbally abusing them and carrying on with the sexhibition. After a final warning he rolled off and ran but fell over a rock. He then got up to fight with the police who eventually required backup to restrain and arrest him. On his ride to the police station the frustrated man threatened to kill the cops and spat at an officer, obviously still with a boner of contention.
A late-night swinger turned out the lights on the South Island township of Cheviot, when his drunken antics caused a three hour power cut. Chainsaw operator Nathan Brownson was ordered to pay $1,485 in damage repairs, after swinging on a power pole stay line causing the overhead power lines to cross and blow high-voltage fuses. Mr Brownson was reportedly shocked by the decision, having earlier threatened to sue the power company for not having sturdier poles.
Waikato Hospital has had to lock its stash of top-shelf hand sanitiser out of harm’s way, after a spate of incidents in the past year with desperate thirsty thieves. Apparently the sanitisers’ high alcohol content makes them a target for desperate alcoholics. A National Addiction centre director blamed “excessive alcohol marketing” for the thefts. Including one incident of a man stealing 15 bottles of the delicious gooey nectar, chugging back a bottle whilst being chased down the corridor by a hospital security guard.
In other booze-related shenanigans, a Motueka woman woke up last week to find a local drunken fisherman who broke in and cooked up a weird-ass omelette containing honey, butter chicken sauce, and Cayenne pepper. “I don’t think he was much of a cook,” the home’s occupant critiqued. “I appreciate where he was going with the ‘sweet and spicy’ concept, but the Patak’s butter chicken addition was just wack.” She later conceded the offender had done well to keep the stolen ingredients to under five dollars, awarding merit points for “creativity within a budget”.
Follow Shane on Twitter: @doteyes