An Arizona Man Allegedly Threw a Burrito Covered in Racial Slurs at Immigration Activists

Welcome to another edition of This Week in Racism. I’ll be ranking news stories on a scale of one to RACIST, with “one” being the least racist and “RACIST” being the most racist.

–A hunger strike in Phoenix, Arizona, turned delicious last Tuesday when the protesters got a burrito covered in racial slurs hurled at them. The protesters have been camped outside their local Immigration and Customs office and haven't eaten since February 17. Under normal circumstances, having a stranger pull up in a car and throw food at you would be an unparalleled stroke of luck. "Oh, you look hungry. When was the last time you ate? Presidents' Day? Wow, here's a burrito." Not this time. This burrito came with a side order of hate.

One of the protesters, an undocumented immigrant named Jose Patino, posted this on his Twitter:

Outside of ICE In Phoenix. I received this present from the anti-immigrants. #not1more #ARIZONA pic.twitter.com/79ku53R4jj

— jose patino (@jrpatino12) February 18, 2014

This is offensive on a variety of levels. First, the word wetback is highly derrogatory toward Hispanics and immigrants of all ethnic groups. Second, throwing food at someone on a hunger strike is an egregious form of taunting. Finally, microwavable grocery-store burritos taste like shit and are an affront to Mexican culture. It's akin to showing up at an Italian wedding with some pizza-flavored Hot Pockets. This is some kind of dickhead triple threat and is officially RACIST.

–Chris Mapp—a businessman, maker of hideous campaign websites, and professional dipshit—is running for US Senate in a primary against incumbant John Cornyn. His views on immigration are, shall we say, unique. The Dallas Morning News said in its endorsement of Cornyn that Mapp told the editorial board that "ranchers should be allowed to shoot on sight anyone illegally crossing the border on to their land, referred to such people as 'wetbacks,' and called the president a 'socialist son of a bitch.'"

Mapp defended his statements by claiming that using the word "wetback" is "[as] normal as breathing air in South Texas." Sounds like a great vacation spot for the discerning bigot. I look forward to the commercials touting South Texas as a "wonderful, welcoming place to visit… for some."

After Senator Cornyn stopped reciting his acceptance speech by memory and intermittently laughing, he condemed Mapp's blatant show of racism, an act that merits praise. Sure, he's basically running up the score on a barely competent opponent, but it's appreciated when any politician condemns such stupidity.

As for the other candidates in this hotly contested race, the Morning News says:

"Ken Cope, 60, a retired aerospace executive, wants to build a fence along the entire border and deport anyone who fails to learn English. US Rep. Steve Stockman has run a clownish campaign with the baseless claim that Cornyn supports the Affordable Care Act. Attorney Linda Vega, 47, and small-business owners Dwayne Stovall, 48, Curt Cleaver, 47, also are on the ballot. They didn’t respond to interview requests, and their questionnaire answers give us pause about their ability to lead. Reid Reasor neither attended the interview nor filled out the questionnaire."

Sounds like a solid crop of future world leaders. Props to my boy, Reid Reasor, whose DGAF attitudes about public service, and belief that all of the recent American mass-shooting suspects have been "left-wing activists bent on punishing people for socially normal US Constitutional freedoms," make him an excellent candidate for a variety of positions in the burgeoning AM radio and "village-idiot" industries. RACIST

Photo via Flickr user Fort Meade

–The last Super Bowl might have been one of the most lucrative sporting events in the history of the world (at least until we finally get the DMX/George Zimmerman fight we've all been demanding), but the subsequent offseason hasn't been so great for the NFL. The saga of Richie Incognito continues to embarrass league officials on a semi-daily basis. The possibility that a gay man could be drafted and play professional football has caused the sport to go into a collective anaphylactic shock. "Good lord, did you see he got a boner at the Combine?! Stop the presses!" A Washington lobbyist has even suggested that a bill be passed banning gay people from playing pro football. Alec Baldwin is currently looking at the NFL and saying, "Damn, you need a better publicist, for real." That's how bad it is.

In order to turn around this avalanche of PR disasters (and make lip-reading a more enjoyable pastime during Monday Night Football), there's a chance that the NFL Rules Committee will vote to assign a 15-yard penalty for the use of racial slurs during a game.

NFL.com list the following infractions as 15-yard penalties:

• Chop block
• Clipping below the waist
• Fair-catch interference
• Illegal crackback block by offense
• Piling on
• Roughing the kicker
• Roughing the passer
• Twisting, turning, or pulling an opponent by the facemask
• Unnecessary roughness
• Unsportsmanlike conduct
• Delay of game at start of either half
• Illegal low block
• A tackler using his helmet to butt, spear, or ram an opponent
• Any player who uses the top of his helmet unnecessarily
• A punter, placekicker, or holder who simulates being roughed by a defensive player
• Leaping
• Leverage
• Any player who removes his helmet after a play while on the field
• Taunting

If you've ever felt bored/stoned/masochistic enough to read the NFL rulebook, you'll know how obnoxiously detailed their descriptions are, such as this bowl of word soup for the "Reverse Chop Block on Pass" infraction:

"On a forward pass play, A1 blocks a defensive player in the area of the thigh or lower, and A2, simultaneously or immediately after the block by A1, engages the defensive player high. Note: Each of the above circumstances in subsections (1) through (4), which describes a chop-block foul on a forward-pass play, also applies on a play in which an offensive player indicates an apparent attempt to pass block but the play ultimately becomes a run."

I'd have to assume that the same level of detail will be used for this new penalty:

"In a circumstance in which A1 refers to A2 as a nigg… wait, do we actually have to write all those words down in this book? I mean, really. You have to be fucking joking. Like, no way am I saying that shit. The media will crucify us; plus I have black friends. They would not be cool with that at all. All right, there's got to be a better way to do this, right?

OK, here's an idea… so these are some things you can't say in a game: the N-Word, the F-Word, the C-Word, the B-Word, the K-Word, the OTHER C-Word, the D-Word, the L-Word—great show, by the way—the OTHER OTHER C-Word, and the Z-Word. You know which ones I mean."

The international soccer community has tried in vain to get a handle on racism by players and fans for years now, and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. No rule or penalty is going to stop someone from saying or doing things that are offensive. Rules and laws unfortunately don't work that way. Plus I am not eager to see the inevitable arguments on and off the field about what constitutes racism. Is "honkey" considered racist? Is "cunt" offensive because it's sexist? If someone tells an opposing player that their jersey clashes with their eye color, does that offend their sense of fashion? What if a referee thinks they hear something, but the player claims he said something totally different? Are we going to put microphones on every football player, and then do an instant replay to make sure that "Payton Manning did in fact call Richard Sherman a coon." Plus, this is a massive instance of hypocrisy by a sports league with a team called the "Redskins." NOT RACIST, JUST REALLY DUMB

The Most Racist Tweets of the Week:

So down in Alabama I went to Walmart and asked for Grizz wintergreen. That nigger lady have me Cope wintergreen pouches. YOU HAD ONE JOB

— Brobeans (@NorthBallPlayer) February 27, 2014

Every time i call @sprint customer service they send it to some chink or sandnigger that dont know shit!!!

— Brady Frakes (@BradyFrakes) February 27, 2014

Why do you make me pay for channels that broadcast in that wetback language? @dish

— D (@fromSoDak) February 21, 2014

The thought of mixing White genes with nigger genes makes me want to puke.

— Kriegsson (@Kriegsson) February 24, 2014

A black guy started working at my office job this morning… It's about time - he's been here 2 fucking years!

— The Funny Racist™ (@TheFunnyRacist) February 27, 2014

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