GIFs by Daniel Stuckey
Actress Olivia Wilde got a lot of flack this week for exposing side-jug in a recent magazine profile. A photo of Wilde feeding her infant son while wearing an expensive gown made the blogosphere collectively spit up with rage. How dare the star of Cowboys & Aliens, a woman whose presence on this Earth bears no relevance on the average person's existence, sustain the life of her child via her sweet, sweet mams? The remorseless breastfeeding advocate feels as though her baby “should always be on [her] breast.” The internet's rage, presumably, is over the fact that, were her baby always attached to her breast, they'd find it really hard to jerk off to 'dem tittays.
As Olivia Wilde can attest, babies are a huge pain in the ass that are constantly getting in the way of your career as a movie star. You can relate, right? Well, there's a solution for your constantly pooping, gassy, 9-pound problem. No, not this. Nope, not this either. Whoa, almost there!
Sproutling is wearable tech for babies that allows parents to monitor their child's every move. Instead of the guess work someone like Olivia Wilde would have to endure to know when her baby would wake up, now her cell phone can answer that question for her. Not sure if there's a push notification for the moment when your kid is tired of wearing the baby equivalent of a house arrest ankle monitor, but there should be. Otis really wants this fucking thing off his leg.
How could I mention our surveillance state and overreliance on technology without shouting out to my boy E-Snizzle. Heroic NSA whistleblower Edward Snowden will be allowed to remain in Russia for another three years. In a cruel twist of irony, Russia also announced a ban on imports of certain food products from the US. I guess that means if Edward Snowden wants fast food, he's going to have to consider surrendering to the government. He's gonna cave in no time!
Former comedian/current animated corpse/Writer's Guild enemy Joan Rivers was caught on camera this week at LAX expressing her (horrific) opinion that the mounting Palestinian casualties in Gaza are warranted because, after all, “They started it.” According to Melissa Rivers's mother, the Palestinians who perished “were told to get out. They didn’t get out. You don’t get out, you are an idiot. At least the ones that were killed,” she continued, “were the ones with low IQs.” In other words, the target demographic for Fashion Police. Why would she want her own audience killed off? The woman, apparently, is even more sociopathic than we realized.
Rapper Wiz Khalifa, as rappers are wont to do, currently has a warrant out for his arrest. He dared to take weed into (apparently, hella not chill) El Paso, Texas. He was supposed to appear in court to deal with the whole fracas, but instead blew it off to appear on The Tonight Show. Personally, I'd rather go to jail than watch Fallon, but I'm funny like that. I'm funny, period. Unlike Fallon. (Take THAT, Comedy's Good Boy™!)
Peep this music video for The Pierces on Noisey! It's bonkers! Look at that poor man's face.
VICE News' excellent documentary on ISIS is a rare, stunning glimpse at the chaos ravaging the Middle East from the point of view of the Arab street. Seriously, do not miss it.
Miami Heat benchwarmer and former NBA #1 draft pick Greg Oden was taken into custody for allegedly punching his ex-girlfriend. Rumor has it, Oden was tired of sports writers telling him he was so unwanted that he “couldn't even get arrested.” His response: “We'll see about that.”
Really, fuck you, Greg Oden.
In closing: You know what they don't serve in prison, Greg Oden? Delicious. Fluffy. Pancakes. You lose, motherfucker.