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What Kind of Shitty Halloween Party Will You End Up At?

It's scary how awful some of these parties are.

Much like New Years, Halloween is a holiday centered around starting a new month in a hangover of regret. But unlike New Years, Halloween offers the chance to do so in the remnants of a costume you threw together after a last-minute trip to Michael's. So while you're slapping together the final details on that David S. Pumpkins suit, let's take a look at what kind of party you will wind up at this year. It's got to fall into one of these categories.


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The Frat Party

This is in some run-down college house where the carpet is sticky in patches and smells like stale urine. Men outnumber the women ten to one. All of the bros there have chosen costumes that purposefully don't require shirts, accentuating the body they've achieved through a healthy diet of Natty Light and Muscle Milk. Lots of The Situation, the 300 characters, and that one really inappropriate blackface Tupac. Oh except for poor Frank, who dresses as Ken Bone. If you're braving this party, definitely have a friend check in with you every hour on the hour to make sure you're okay.

The Party You Thought Was a Costume Party but Isn't and Now You Look Like an Asshole

Well look at you. Dressed up like Austin Powers, looking like a damned fool. You've got to read that invitation again. You're almost positive it said "costume required." …OK, so upon second look, it didn't say that. But still, a Halloween party and NO ONE else dressed up? What kind of people are these? Ugh, someone just asked if they make you horny, baby. Maybe you can ditch the fake teeth and glasses and make the costume work as a normal outfit. People wear blue velour suits all the time right? Totally, you can totally pull this off.

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Your Goth Cousin Wendy's Halloween Themed Wedding

Yo, Wendy has been waiting her whole life for this shit! Everyone in the family always makes fun of her for wearing black lipstick all the time and carrying an Edward Scissorhands lunchbox even though she's a grown-ass adult, but guess what, THE JOKE'S ON THEM NOW MOTHER FUCKERS because her wedding is "costume required." The ceremony was in a cemetery but the reception is in the private room at the back of Benihana because that's all Wendy can afford on her salary as a Stop & Shop cashier right now. Jesus, they're giving out shots that look like little vials of blood. Ah fuck, and all the servers are vampires. Did you see there's a guy in the bathroom who hides in the stall and scares people? Goddammit, Wendy, fuck you.

The Weirdly Religious Party

This party is ghoul free! But there's no bobbing for apples because that's kind of like making out. Oh, also, it's definitely not called a "Halloween party," because that would imply respect for the Dark Lord—and boy, do we not want to show any sort of respect to the Dark Lord! No, in fact, this party is called a Harvest Party. Like all Christian versions of things, walking into this party will be like walking into a parallel universe equal to an episode of the  Twilight Zone. Everyone will smile and be friendly, and nobody will know who Drake is. Actually, that sounds kind of awesome? Where's the closest Harvest Party? Can I talk to you about my close personal friend Jesus?


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The Political Party That You're Thankful Only Comes Every Four Years

Nothing to ruin your faith in America like some creep in a Bernie Sanders mask cornering you and asking if you want to "feel the Bern." Oh look, someone is a Bad Hombre. Cool. And that person in the corner is Binders Full of Women. Wow, throwback. The only time it's fun to say "I'm with her" at this party is proceeding a woman saying, "I'm ditching these Daily Beast-reading nerds to go to Taco Bell."

The Party to Raise Money for Some Fucking Cause

Awww everyone's costume here is adorably lame and awful, but like, it's for charity or something, so it's okay that their costumes are trash.

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The Party Where Every Single Person Happened to Dress as the Duck Dynasty People

Well shit, that's weird.

The Party with the Slutty Costume Contest

Can you say problematic?

The Problematic Party at Your Republican Family's House

Oh, Hillary Clinton as Heath Ledger's Joker wearing a shirt that says "Kill the Bitch"… that's uh… [quick take a picture of that shit for Outrage Twitter].

The Emoji Party

The Hallo-meme Party

It's one of those parties where everyone dresses as their favorite meme! LMAO, one guy is Sarcastic Wonka, that's good stuff. Oh whoa, someone else is Forever Alone, oh and Dat Boi! Whaddap. And… STAHHP IS THAT GIRL GRUMPY CAT OMG. Everyone at this party has Buzzfeed as their homepage and they're all too socially awkward to look up from their phones long enough to actually talk to one another. But needless to say, this party is HEAVILY Snapchatted. Don't forget to use the party's hashtag!

The Conceptual Costume Party

Oh. You're global warming… because you're dressed as Earth… but you've got a thermometer in your mouth. No, that's good, I get it. Really good stuff. Topical, too. Excuse me, I have to go stand somewhere else now.

The Party That's a Show and All the Bands Play in Costumes

This is a band's opportunity to show off whether they've got a sense of humor. It's also a good chance to see your favorite pop punk band dressed as Juggalos, thus punching slightly below their weight.

The Ironic "Costume" Party

Get it? Because you're not really a Trump supporter. He's bad. But you've got the MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN hat and a misspelled sign about Obama being a Muslim. So "funny," really. We'll "totally" come back next year.

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The Party Where Everyone Dresses Up Their Pets in Costumes

You ever notice you never see big dogs at these things? It's only tiny little fuckers who get treated like dolls and dressed up as Yoda or Minions or Beanie Babies or whatever the fuck. Every dog in a costume looks miserable. Stop doing this to these poor creatures. THEY DON'T LIKE BEING BUMBLE BEES AND ROSIE THE FUCKIN' RIVETER JUST LET THEM BE DOGS YO!

The Netflix and No Chill Party

This one wasn't planned, it was just a coincidence, but honestly all of you fuckers did a Stranger Things group costume?

The Fucked Up Haunted House Party

This is when all of your friends think it would be fun to pay $40 to go to one of those REALISTIC haunted houses they read about online where they kidnap you and then the staff pukes blood on your head and throws piss on you. They made you sign a safety waiver when you came in and all you could think about was how you could have been at home watching Black Mirror on Netflix for free.

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The Witches' Observance of the Real Meaning of All Hallow's Eve

Nice, you found that book that your quirky aunt who's an English teacher gave you one year for your birthday. Nice. A quick trip to Yankee Candle and the "Wicca" Wikipedia page later and you're a regular Fairuza Balk in The Craft. While you're brewing up some spells, do one that prevents you from living with 20 cats in a few years.

The Mansion Party

You and your sweetheart get a flat tire during a storm and come across an eerie mansion owned by a transvestite scientist who invites you down to the lab where he made a guy in a gold Speedo and the scientist's minions strip you down to your underwear for a series of elaborate dances and rock 'n' roll songs with his outrageous cast of characters while everyone begins sexing and killing each other. The mansion turns into a rocket ship and you blast off into space.

The Ugh Halloween Is for Children Let's Just Have a Nice Evening Party

This is the party where your friends in their 30s gather at one of their apartments and make fun of Halloween for being a kids holiday, but really they're just too defeated from the weight of the world crushing their spirits over the last decade to dress up or do anything fun. You play Cards Against Humanity all night and the only thing "scary" about it is the realization that you've passed your peak and are doomed to watch your own visage gradually fade in the reflection of the computer screen every day. SpoOoky!

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The Horror Movie Marathon Party

There are two versions of this party.

1. Where the people hosting it have basic-ass taste in horror movies and make you watch The Ring and and all those stupid Saw movies.

2. Even worse, when the hosts have Very Good Taste and make you watch some pretentious French films—​they are very specific in calling them films—that make you appreciate nuance and understand "the lack of subtlety and fascination with gore America has."

The Party You Miss Because You Were Carrying Your Costume on the Subway

You spent all night gluing eyeballs to an old wedding dress you bought on eBay but then Uber's price surging was crazy because it was Halloween so you tried to take the L from Bushwick but the MTA shut the L down this weekend between Grand and 1st Ave (fucking obviously) and so you had to walk all the way down to the J/Z but when you got there the platform was mad sketchy because you couldn't tell who was in a costume and who was just a creep. Anyway, it took almost three hours to get to the LES and by the time you did, all the hot people had paired off and you got hit on by a drunk Borat in a green thong and it was not very niiiice.

The Party Where Everyone Is in Couples Costumes

These are all couples who have been dating for a year or less because no couple in it for the long run would subject themselves to couples costumes. So if you get off on watching Wayne and Garth go at it pretty hard in the corner, this is the party for you.

The Party at CVS on November 1 When All the Candy Is Half Off

Real talk: This is the only party worth going to.