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Just In Time For Independence Day, Florida Man Shoots Self in Dick

God bless America.
Mack Lamoureux
Toronto, CA
July 4, 2017, 6:19pm

Being from Canada, I don't know that many things about how one celebrates the Fourth of July. But what I do know, deep down in my heart, is that a True American birthday party doesn't officially kick off until someone accidentally shoots himself.

So, that's why you should all appreciate the fact that a man named Cedrick Jelks took it upon himself to mistakenly shoot himself in the dick the day before Independence Day. And yes, if you were wondering, Jelks is from Florida.


Now we don't 100 percent know what the act looked like but here is a gif that I believe approximates the accident.

OK, in all honesty it's a tad different from this.

At the start of the weekend, Jelks, who hails from Jacksonville, apparently left a loaded firearm with the safety off in the front seat of his car and sat down on it. Well, as a local TV station reports, that gun went off and shot Jelks directly in the dick. Afterwards, Jelks girlfriend saw that he had injured himself and rushed him to the hospital where he underwent surgery. Jelks isn't even the only one to accidentally shoot himself in a high-profile way this weekend. A militia member who showed up at a Gettysburg protest shot himself in the leg as he was waiting to battle an Antifa army that was never coming.

Now unfortunately, this isn't the end of the story for Jelks. He was arrested and found guilty a little over a decade ago for cocaine possession and was a convicted felon. So, this all means that taking a bullet in his love rocket may actually send Jelks to jail which may, in fact, be the most American possible thing to happen this Independence Day.

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