Slut or Prude: the Lose-Lose of Dating for New Zealand Women

“And how is that working out for you?”

I was sitting across from my therapist some months ago, discussing my woeful experiences with dating and the opposite sex. I told her that after being brought up Catholic, with a deeply conservative cultural background, I was feeling more and more motivated to start living life as a sexually liberated woman. I wanted to be loud and proud about my sex and sexuality, and not be bashful about my body and what I desired. If I met a man I liked, I didn’t want to hide my attraction. We’re adults! We’re human! We’re equals!

She responded: “And how is that working out for you?”

I was annoyed at first, even a little angry. What did she mean, how is that working out for me? This is the way we should all be living our lives! How could she—

“Not well,” I responded.

The realisation set in as we discussed my experiences, which she punctuated with a thought I often find rolling around in the back of my mind: “Women might be ready to be sexually liberated, but not all men are ready for them to be.”

A study conducted by Chelsea Pickens and Virginia Braun at the University of Auckland entitled: “Stroppy Bitches Who Just Need to Learn How to Settle?" Young Single Women and Norms of Femininity and Heterosexuality researched the attitudes and expectations surrounding women in New Zealand when it came to sex and dating. The study involved interviews with single women aged 25-35, and what they found was a startling incongruity between the expectations of an era where gender equality and female sexuality is much more recognised, and a traditional set of dating rules that has persisted for decades.

"All the ‘rules’ of heterosexuality were like the modern trying to exist with the traditional,” Pickens says in summarising some of her findings. “Women should be having sex to get a relationship, but not too soon or she’s a slut; women should be playing hard to get, let the man initiate and be in control; and women don’t have to be girly… but you better look really good or you’ll never catch a man. It’s sad to put all these women’s stories together and stand back and see that nothing has really changed. It just has a more modern context.”

While Instagram models boast hashtags like #freethenipple, and female pop stars croon about demanding what they desire in the bedroom, everyday women still struggle to find equality or empowerment in their sexual relationships. Toeing the line between ‘too soon and you’re a slut’ and ‘too late and you’re a prude’ can cause us to not only lose their self-esteem and sexual identity, but also lead to situations where we find ourselves pressured to have sex before they are ready. A participant in Pickens and Braun’s study shared her own experiences: “We did sleep together on the third night because I felt this huge pressure…like of course I wanted to but like yeah I was quite scared that I wouldn’t get another date out of it if I didn’t.”

So many women have found themselves in a situation like this. To leave an awkward situation, to maintain peace, and even to save herself the embarrassment of being teased or chastised for being prudish, a woman may find herself simply doing what the man desires. In their research, Pickens and Braun found that their candidates shared similar stories. “Rejecting… uninvited sexualised touching or whistling is met with hostility from men. Here, a patriarchal masculine power (where men feel superior and in control of women) to sexualise and assert sexuality onto (potentially unwilling) women is affirmed through overt criticism of any woman not adhering to men’s sexual advances.” This, Pickens warns, creates a world where women find it difficult to say “no”.

Calling out the serial abusers is important, but it’s not going to be enough to curb what’s been happening for decades. We still live in a society where women are under the impression that it is their duty to please, and to be submissive. So how do we stop the centuries old concept that women must give, submit, and “play nice”? How do we re-train men into understanding that a sexually liberated woman does not equal an object (slut) to be used and abused?

The answer lies in prevention, Pickens argues, and her work with Rape Prevention Education is helping to teach everyone, especially teenagers, about consent. “People for the most part understand ‘no means no’, but they don’t look for the ‘yes’” says Pickens. “I think a huge part of the problem is that people aren’t talking about consent with young people or with each other, which is probably largely down to embarrassment and inhibitions with young people, or that actually talking about sex with a sexual partner isn’t sexy—which is a narrative that we really need to work against.” Pickens points out. “You wouldn’t go to a movie with someone without asking what type of movie they wanted to watch or what time, right? People shouldn’t be doing sexual stuff without checking in and asking each other what they want to do, because just purely interpreting behaviour can end up very wrong! And not talking, not getting verbal consent, not checking in can further make sex and communication detached, making it more difficult for people to voice anything around sex, like if they don’t feel comfortable or aren’t ready.”

Weeding out the worst male offenders and shining a light on this prevailing issue via movements like #metoo is only part of the fix. If we don’t finally begin breaking down old fashioned ideas surrounding female sexuality and their place in dating culture, we face more of the same. Hopefully one day we arrive in a place where women will no longer have to find themselves faced with a lose-lose: toeing the thin line between slut and prude.

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