Welcome to the Noisey Power Rankings, where we take a look back at this week in music-ish news and try to figure out who came out on top and who took the Ls. Let's dig in…
50 Cent would like to get in on this year’s rap beef too! 50 hit Instagram with this screenshot of a definitely real, not at all made-up BREAKING NEWS story about buying up all the tickets to a Ja Rule concert, which definitely happened, for sure. But then actual news sites started covering it like it was real. Ehhh, sorry, but we’ve got to look the other way on this. This feud fills us with the same guilt you get from watching Bum Fights on YouTube. Pass.
Carly Rae Jepsen
Carly Rae Jepsen’s new song sparked an all-out war in the Noisey office over who appreciates her the most. She moves up in the rankings this week, and every week.
Post Malone, the Crocs of people, has a new line of Crocs and it’s apparently sold out. This is a more accurate reflection on the state of America than anything else. Nate Silver should throw all his polling data out the window and use Post Malone Croc sales as a gauge of Americans' priorities.
Mr. Feeny, who was the grade school teacher of Boy Meets World’s Cory Matthews and then conveniently also his high school principal and then also for some reason his college professor, stopped a burglar at his LA home this week. The 91-year-old actor scared the intruder off by turning on a light in his house. The only way to stop a bad guy with a gun is a nonagenarian with a lightswitch.
Mike Myers has a small role in that new Queen biopic as the music exec who foolishly passed on the band. He makes a little nod to himself by telling Freddie Mercury that kids don’t want to hear six-minute songs like “Bohemian Rhapsody.” They want songs they can listen to in their car and bang their heads to. Get it? Because of Wayne’s World. Also, he's apparently down to make a new Austin Powers movie? If you ask us, that sounds…… very niiiiiiiice! ;)
The Other Mike Myers
The other Mike Myers goes up this week because even though his new Halloween movie had a strong debut, he's not above riding the subway with the common man.
Your mom’s favorite TV man James Corden was filming a carpool karaoke segment with Ariana Grande and took her to a pitch-black haunted escape room or something like that (we’re not watching the clip) where Grande injured her hand. James Corden would’ve gone down in the rankings this week for releasing another carpool karaoke anyway, but the fact that this one caused Grande bodily harm drops him twice as far. Stop putting celebs at risk just to make them sing Spice Girls songs in a Range Rover or whatever the fuck!
Speaking of Ariana Grande, we normally like to stay out of the whole Pete Davidson split, but goddamn, we just respect a good subtweet.
Prince (the Dog)
This dog named Prince goes up for dressing like Prince for Halloween. Nothing compares 2 him.
We know this happened like two months ago but right when we were finally able to forget about Kylie Jenner’s famous tweet about never having tried cereal with milk, this interview with Laura Jane Grace reminded us about it and now we’re obsessed with it all over again. WHAT KIND OF PERSON EATS CEREAL DRY? This is offensive.
Poop, which has been consistently rising in the rankings, goes up yet again for power dunking on a T-Rex, a baby, and an alien. We realize that sentence was probably confusing without context so please watch the below video:
South Carolina Representative Mark Sanford drops way down this week for handing out copies of the Constitution to trick or treaters on Halloween. This is worse than the neighborhood dentist who hands out toothbrushes. This is worse than pennies. Fuck this guy. We hope he spent all of November 1 washing the eggs off his house.
Candles Owens got so mad about Kanye’s brain finally snapping that she came for Tormby Lahren on Twitter. Republicans are so unaccustomed to having people like them that they couldn't even handle a single celebrity endorsement. Oh well. Back to hanging out with Scott Baio and the Dilbert Guy for these two worthless humans. All parties involved in this in-fighting go down for our viewing pleasure. Catch us in the background shouting "Worldstar!!!" the whole time.
Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You” is back on the charts, Walgreens is already breaking out the Christmas decorations… there is no stopping Christmas. It’s coming, motherfuckers.
We get the timeline we deserve, honestly. Speaking of which, please vote next week or we all go down in the power rankings.