Nonalcoholic Rose Is Here to Help You Live Out Your Sober Hamptons Fantasy

Thanks, Welch's.
Photograph courtesy Welch's Facebook

Contrary to extremely boring public opinion, rosé is not basic. (In fact, lampooning those who love rosé is basic. Whatever, we're done here!)

I can take or leave the flurry of nominal rose products that have bulldozed their way into the American market recently, though. Rosé hard cider? Sure, fine. Rosé gummy bears? Uh, I guess; better than Haribo! Rosé 40s? Haha, nope. Keep that shit away from me, please and thanks.


Swell news: The bad boys at Welch’s, purveyor’s of the single most iconic grape juice you can find this side of Juicy Juice, has rolled out what it’s calling a Sparkling Rosé, the company announced late last month.

It is bubbly. It is non-alcoholic. It is basically grape juice.

In any event, it looks quite pretty:

Stunning. It's a liquid hodgepodge of grape juice (60 percent), sparkling filtered water, some citric acid "for tartness," sodium benzoate, potassium metabisulfite (yum!), and "natural flavors."

Now wait a goddamn minute, one might say. A non-alcoholic rosé is no rosé at all!

But if you ask little old me, maybe it's thoughtful of Welch’s to create space for teetotalers as we're on the cusp of summer, the "season of rosé," that occasionally aggravating time of year. (Welch’s did not respond to immediate request for comment from MUNCHIES on Wednesday regarding what compelled the company to create this product, and when, exactly, it introduced the product to stores.)

Or maybe it's a money grab piggybacking off this trend that won't end. Anyway, it's on sale in major retailers, so go nuts. There's nothing basic about loving grape juice, anyway.

UPDATE, 4/18, 4:15PM:

When reached via email on Wednesday afternoon, a Welch's spokesperson clarified that the company's main intention behind the product was to bring “[a]ll of the taste and enjoyment of Rosé wine without any of the alcohol."

Regarding the drink's flavor and the appearance: "Green Niagara grapes account for the crisp taste and a majority of the juice content, and are balanced with deep purple Concord grapes to achieve the distinctive pink color that consumers associate with Rosé."