Photo via the Montgomery Biscuits' Twitter
As a millennial, I basically don't care about anything, and I certainly don't care about boring old baseball, a sport for Olds that takes way too long and doesn't have anything exciting going for it. But one minor league team in Alabama somehow managed to make America's lamest pastime lit AF with a brilliant, groundbreaking promo: "Millennial Night."
This Saturday, the Montgomery Biscuits are bringing baseball into the 21st century with a simple idea: Give the kids what they actually want. Case in point: Because every millennial is the same, and we all have crippling self-esteem issues, a desperate need for affirmation, and fragile, easily-bruised egos, the Biscuits are handing out participation ribbons to everyone who shows up to the game—and you don't even have to work for one. Take that, insecurity!
And because the only thing we millennials eat is avocado (seeing as how they stay ripe for so long and aren't even really that expensive), there are going to be a LOT of them at Saturday's game. That still leaves the issue of having to actually watch baseball, a problem we millennials usually solve by spending the entirety of the game taking selfies in the stands—but the Biscuits already have that covered. They're putting selfie stations all over the park, meaning you'll be able to snap tons of sweet pics for the 'gram without getting yelled at by some dad who says you're "blocking" his "view" of the "game."
The life of a millennial is exhausting, what with all the avocados we eat and selfies we take and work we don't do, and every millennial knows the key to self-care is sleeping almost all 24 hours of the day away. Problem is, you can't just conk out at a baseball game—but the Montgomery Biscuits, God bless 'em, thought of that too. They've installed "napping areas" all over Montgomery Riverwalk Stadium, because there's nothing millennials like more than lying down on communal, probably very sweaty pads while strangers watch us sleep.People will get mad online at anything these days, and so it's no surprise that a few people took issue with the Biscuits' millennial night. Haters on Twitter called the promo "offensive," saying it stereotyped millennials as lazy, self-obsessed snowflakes who all care about the exact same things—though, as a millennial, I can tell you that we do, and that the Biscuits nailed them right on the head. Selfies, avocados, and public napping, baby: That's what life is all about.
Tickets to Saturdays game start at just $9, meaning even us broke millennials can afford what sounds like the funnest day out since Beyoncé slayed Coachella. See you there, fam.Sign up for our newsletter to get the best of VICE delivered to your inbox daily.Follow Drew Schwartz on Twitter.