Are You A Drama Queen?

Lolita storm rhyme really good. Like a digital hardcore band knows they should.

Their songs all have 100 mph chuckles and really snappy one-liners, like in “I Wanna Meat Injection” when they scream “I’d rather suck my aunt than Hugh Grant!” and in “I Luv Speed” when they go “I can’t get enough, I’m still in my teens/ But I’ve taken more than Hitler took Benzedrine.” Forget Peter Gabriel, this is synapse-clickingly good songwriting. When lyrics like these are yelped in bratty girl voices with English accents over toenail-curling samples and the superfast trademark Digital Hardcore Recordings noise beats, you’ve got yourself a real humdinger of a footlong, titled, aptly, Girls Fucking Shit Up.

But who are these saucy little geniuses? Representing the Brighton massive, Romy Medina, Nhung Napalm and Spex are three vixens (alongside the token boy, Jimmy Too-Bad) who wear lots of glitter make-up and bright, tattered clothes. Their whole thing is a lot more giggly and fun-loving than you’d expect from an angry DHR band. More slutty, too. Jimmy Too-Bad even wears a mesh tank-top that says “Sex Yob” on it. Yikes! And in order to encourage similar behavior in their fans (who call themselves “Lolita Stormtroopers”), they offer “Price cuts for nice sluts!!” as advertised on the flyers for “Les Chiennes de Garde,” their weekly club night at The Lift.

In the middle of all this screaming and jumping about, most of you are probably asking “are they angry young women or just drama queens?” (Much like the phrases “you go, girl” or “what-ever,” the term “drama queen” is slang that originated in the gay negro community and, over the past few years, got appropriated into common teenspeak, right next to “hottie” and “hoodie”). In a recent issue of teen mag Mademoiselle, the one with Courtney Love on the cover, a drama queen is defined as: “You’re life’s a soap opera – and you’re the suds-o-matic.” Mademoiselle also included a handy quiz called “Freak Much? Flounce Much?” in order to assess your “Crisis Quotient.”

VICE surreptitiously invited Lolita Storm over for a slumber party and we stayed up way past bedtime in our cozy jammies, doing each other’s hair and filling out slam books. Then finally, as we waited for our peel-off mud masks to dry, we casually whipped out the quiz.


YOU ARE A DRAMA QUEEN IF:

1) “As a child, your most effective dealing-with-your-parents strategy was: When in doubt, cry.”

Romy Medina: I used to have screaming fits. I used to lose my voice having rows with my mum. Just the other week I did that to my hand (shows bruised hand).

VICE: You punched your mom?

RM: No, I smashed a glass! I had to go to hospital and my mum phoned the police as well.

Jimmy Too-Bad: Her mum offered to pay her a thousand pounds to never see her again.

That’s not a bad deal!

RM: Well, it wasn’t very nice at the time. I was only sixteen.

Nhung Napalm: Hey, wasn’t that your money anyway?

RM: Yeah, it was my fucking money anyway! Ha ha ha! My dad had sent it for me and my mum bought herself new shoes!


2) “You’re a quick thinker in emergencies – no surprise, because you generally have at least one a day.”

RM: When I went to Mexico to visit my dad, this cabdriver gave me some coke for nothing and it was fucking excellent. And I went out clubbing wearing tight trousers with the coke shoved down there and they were searching everyone and I was shitting myself! I thought I’d have to spend the rest of my holiday in a Mexican jail.

Spex: The rest of your life!

RM: But luckily they didn’t search the women, they can’t touch women.

S: Your dad would’ve paid them off anyway.

RM: I guess so. But you know, coke is completely unavailable now in England cuz there’s not enough money in it, they all just sell E.

JT-B: We haven’t tried any over here in New York.

That can be arranged.

S: Yaaaay! (The next ten minutes are a flurry of price quotes and phone numbers. Interview resumes with…)

S: How about when Ali G was interviewing that drugs advisor on his show, and the drugs advisor goes, “This is cocaine, it’s a class-A drug.” And Ali goes, “Is that because it’s really good?”


3) “If your boyfriend spends the day paying more attention to the ball game than to you, your first instinct is to pick a fight.”

NN: American football players don’t even use their feet! It’s like rugby but a bit more wimpish cuz they’ve got to have all that armor on, ha!

RM: Yeah, you’ve got them decked out like fucking Transformers.

4) “Your closet contains at least three pieces of clothing that could be described as ‘head-turning.’”

NN: Pfft, at least! We rip up and draw on all our clothes.

RM: Yesterday for a photo shoot, we bought some neon pink net and safety-pinned it and spray-painted gold all over it. You know, like tutu ballerina shit.

NN: And you can never wear enough make-up.


5) “Your friendships are like flings: intense but brief.”

RM: We hate everyone, we hate all music except for Dave Pop.

Who’s Dave Pop?

RM: He’s just Dave Pop, isn’t he? He’s our resident at our club night in Brighton. He wears loads of make-up and he makes tapes and sings to them.

NN: He only ever plays three songs cuz he gets bored. And he’s really good looking.

S: Absolutely gorgeous.

RM: And he doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s gay cuz so many women fancy him.

JT-B: He told me he was a virgin!

Fags who’ve never slept with a woman are called “thoroughbreds.”

RM: He fancies Jim!

JT-B: He’s alright, but I don’t like kissing men’s stubble. (Lolita Storm giggle and jump up and down for, like, an hour.)

Hey, what’s some British slang?

S: Shaven-haven!

JT-B: Beard-splitter!

RM: Slit! Wicked! Mental!

AMY KELLNER