If you’re reading this, you survived 2016—which means that you deserve to celebrate your existence in these surreal times the world is living in. Even if you’re not the NYE type, I hope you have an enabler in your life who who will drag you out of the house and throw together your look in the Uber en route to the party. Who wants to end up being a lonely homebody tapping through everyone else’s drunken Insta stories anyway? NO FOMO 2017.
To make sure you don’t end up somewhere lame (which would defeat the purpose of celebrating and totally tarnish your brand), we made you a cheat sheet of the best New Year’s Eve parties happening in LA this year. From massive outdoor festivals to 24-hour warehouse raves, pseudo-boat parties to 80s club nights—it’s all in this flowchart. Now you can spend less time chatting with your boost group about which party fits your ideal NYE vibe, and more time coming up with your New Year’s resolutions (recycling the same fitness goals you’ve been making for 5+ years, promising yourself to stop texting your ex, etc).
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Whether you choose to ring in 2017 with the drop of a ball, the clank of a champagne flute, a sweet midnight kiss, or breaking out into a tribal dance sequence to open up a portal into another dimension, we certainly hope it’s magnificent!
I ONLY DO FESTIVALS
OUTDOORS
1. COUNTDOWN
Location: NOS Events Center, San Bernardino
Headliners: The Chainsmokers, RL Grime, Zedd, Alesso, Diplo, Anna Lunoe
For the true ravers brave enough to trek to San Bernadino, this two-night Insomniac fest is sure to be a shitshow in the best way. Just be careful that Mad Decent fuccboi is legal before you collect.
Location: Downtown Los Angeles
Headliners: Recondite, Simian Mobile Disco and more
This techno and house festival smack dab in the middle of Downtown is perfect for a fireworks lightshow so you don’t have to ask a raver to give you one—although I’m sure they’d be down if you did. The event is labeled as “underground,” but you should still buy table service to flex on 2016.
INDOORS
Location: Union Nightclub
Headliners: DJ Sneak, Doc Martin, Felix Da Housecat
This festival’s 15th annual edition comes with five dance areas to get down on, and a “midnight multimedia countdown,” which I hope means there’s a cool Snap filter.
Location: Union Nightclub
Headliners: Doc Martin, DJ Sneak, Blakkat, G-Dubb
Sublevel and Sacred Grounds’ 12-hour underground house festival is one of two outer space-themed parties happening at Union, so make sure you come dressed in an astronaut costume so you have access to both.
I WANT TO DRESS UP…
LIKE A FLAPPER
1. PROHIBITION
Location: Union Station
Headliners: Autograf, Justin Ward, DJ Cherry Beach
Union Station transforms into a super high production, roaring 20s-themed party for you to get all white girl wasted in. There’ll be theatrical burlesque, live jazz ensembles, and a 60-foot midnight ball drop. Put on your best can-can dance during Autograf.
Location: The Fonda
Headliner: DJ Avi
Unlike the Prohibition party at Union, you’ll be hearing hip-hop, R&B and Top 40s here. Fit the theme by sharing a cigar with a couple flapper dancers in the rooftop casino, do it for the content.
LIKE I’M IN EYES WIDE SHUT
GIORGIO’S 3RD ANNUAL BLACK AND WHITE MASQUERADE BALL
Location: The Standard, West Hollywood
Headliners: DJ Adam XII
The type of NYE party you go to just to tweet “PULL UP TO STANDARD WEHO IMMEDIATELY ESCORTED IN THRU THE KITCHEN TO GIORGIO’S SERVED 72 BOTTLES OF DOM WEARING A VENETIAN MASK LIKE BEEN.”
LIKE I’M ON A FUCKING BOAT
ALL HANDS ON DECK: DTLA BOAT PARTY
Location: Downtown Los Angeles
Headliners: Hoodboi, Jasmine Solano, Lil Texas
A boat party that’s not actually on a boat (lmao who did this), with a lineup of some SoundCloud DJs all your friends have hooked up with. Get wavvy to bass beats, club sounds, and tropical rhythms.
LIKE I’M A MILLIONAIRE AT BURNING MAN
Location: Lincoln Speakeasy
Headliners: Special Surprise Guest (Crosstown Rebels/Get Physical), Ricoshei, Lonely Boy, Maheras
An intimate, upscale afterhours for rich Burners to sip champagne, eat hors d’oeuvres, and talk about their next idea for an app.
I LOVE WAREHOUSE PARTIES AND WANT TO…
HEAR EXPERIMENTAL SOUNDS
Location: RSVP for address
Headliners: Shigeto and Lord Raya
Noise Revolt and White Cube Society come together for this 12-hour indoor/outdoor event focused on experimental sounds with comedy acts, an open mic, and interactive art installations. Basically for anyone looking to hook up with a fire dancer.
HEAR TECHNO & HOUSE
Photo via Get Real
GET REAL: GREEN VELVET & CLAUDE VONSTROKE
Location: Factory 93
Headliners: Get Real (Green Velvet & Claude Vonstroke)
Get Real with four extended hours of house from the masters. REAL HOUSE HEADS KNOW.
HEAR HIP-HOP
Location: RSVP for address
Headliners: Emmitt & The Good Feels, Honeycut & Crissy Joice, Aller Muet (Awol Erizku, Bradley Soileau, Gianni Lee)
Eat up at “the last supper” served up by CulinaryFlow, then confess all your 2016 sins at “midnight mass.” Expect Fairfax fuccbois wearing their Sunday best.
PARTY FOR 24 HOURS STRAIGHT
LIGHTS DOWN LOW NYE 24 HOUR PARTY PEOPLE
Location: RSVP for address
Headliners: Jimmy Edgar, Jacques Greene, Bwana, Project Pablo
For the party marathoners out there, dance heavyweights Lights Down Low enlist a massive lineup of 16+ DJs to bring the party vibes for 24 hours straight. Take a disco nap or two for your health.
I WANT TO PARTY WITH MY QUEER FAM AND…
SEE BURLESQUE
LET THE FUTURE REWRITE THE PAST
Location: The Standard, Downtown Los Angeles
Headliners: Breakbot and Irfane, Lisbona Sisters
Between eating your fill at the Disco Dining Club, catching some burlesque from Tease, If You Please, and dancing to Breakbot and Irfane singing “Baby I’m Yours” on the rooftop, we’re sure you’ll find the daddy (or two) you were looking for.
LISTEN TO MASH UPS
Location: The Regent
Headliners: Mysterious D, Shyboy, Airsun, Fox Brigade
Hit the dancefloor with all your fave mashups from the year, then fall in love with a go-go boy. Aerial performances and a balloon drop add to all the fun; just be prepared to leave drenched in sweat.
BE A DISCO QUEEN
Location: Lot 613
Headliners: DJ Harvey and Bears in Space
Unleash your inner Disco Queen underneath a giant disco ball. Get funky, freaky, and loose!
BE A CLUB KID
Location: The Lash
Headliners: Heaven Pegasus, Katie Rex, Friend X, Kid Orange, WillYouAreNot, Xultar
Expect goth babes covered in leather and glitter, stalking around in YRU platforms. Also pics by Rony’s Photobooth that you’ll regret in the morning.
TAKE ME TO THE CLUB FOR…
SOUL AND DISCO VIBES
1. FUNKMOSPHERE
Location: Resident
Headliners: DaM-FunK, Laroj, Billy Goods, Randy Watson, Matt Respect, Eddy Funkster
LA’s longest running 80’s-inspired funk, boogie, electro, disco, and future soul party brings its casual and cool sound to Resident, with a champagne toast at midnight. You’ll be feelin’ yourself.
Location: The Theatre at Ace Hotel
Headliners: Blue Hawaii, Infamous Boogieman, Sebastian Cowan, Cooper Sever, Sage Caswell, Jen Ferrer
Classy dinner and dance party with DJs spinning disco, funk, soul, and boogie. All the confetti you can eat.
Location: Sound
Headliners: Kidnap Kid and Moonboots
There’ll be magic under the disco balls at Sound with some fine disco and boogie in the air.
RELIVING THE 90S
Location: The Satellite
Headliners: Lights & Music DJs
Bubblegum pop hits all night long. Be prepared to sing all your fave Britney, Backstreet Boys, and *NSYNC.
2. CLUB 90s
Location: Los Globos
Headliners: DJs Jeffrey, Jason, and Bruce Perdew
90s and early 2000s upstairs, old school hip-hop and R&B downstairs. Get ready to get nostalgic.
A HIP-HOP/R&B TURN-UP
Photo via Ham on Everything
1. R&B ONLY
Location: The Echo
Headliners: Supreme The DJ
A coast-to-coast NYE event in Los Angeles and DC. Stay for the R&B superstar performance.
Location: The Novo
Headliners: Lil Uzi Vert and Roy Wood$
Ham on Everything crowd does NYE. First you’ll be seduced by the sultry sounds of OVO breakout star Roy Woods, then you’ll go ape shit to Lil Uzi Vert on Bad and Boujee.
Location: The Reserve
Headliners: MC Boog!e, La Femme DJ
Hip-Hop and Top 40 all night long for the upscale crowd that likes to get rachet. Just please do not hang from the chandeliers.
DARKWAVE
1. BAUHAUS
Location: Monty Bar
Headliners: Daniel Ash and Kevin Haskins (Bauhaus DJ set)
Escape the NYE hullabaloo and hear your favorite post punk at this very rare DJ set from Bauhaus.
Location: Complex
Headliners: Franck H-Bomb, Black Eyed, Dark Crystal, Nowhere Girl
An NYE dark music extravaganza. Hear dark electronics, industrial, goth, 80’s new wave, ethereal, and everything in between.
DANCE BANGERS
Location: Teragram Ballroom
Headliners: Special Guests
Dance Yourself Clean all the way into 2017!
TECHNO
Location: RSVP for address
Headliners: Reeko, Progression, Subversive, Template b2b Lindsey Herbert, Sean Venkersammy
Your underground techno paradise awaits at Diversion.
TRANCE
Location: Avalon Hollywood
Headliners: Markus Schulz
Trance, trance, and more trance. Markus Schulz from open to close.
DEEP HOUSE
Location: Exchange
Headliner: Duke Dumont
Expect deep house and UK bass cuts during this special extended set from the UK powerhouse.
Jazper Abellera is a yung Renaissance man based in LA and live-tweeting to the fullest. Follow him on Twitter.
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