You know how Robert de Niro wore platform shoes to gain a few inches on-screen? Well, you can basically do that for your penis. It’s 2022, for sausage’s sake. You’re wondering how to maximize your dick size, and rest assured that there are plentiful cock and ball sex toys and accessories out there, and many ways to make you feel as endowed as Rasputin (in a sexy, Boney M. way—not a courtly charlatan way). There are boner add-ons, zhuzhers, and toys on the market that can easily add a few extra inches—or at least the sensation of a few extra inches. There are pumps, rings, vibrators, and an entire horny circus crew of devices that can make your penis feel larger for you and your partner(s).
The key word, of course, being “feel.” We’re not trying to sell you magic peen beans, dude. Nor would we like you to get lost in the digital Mordor that is the world of some penis extender devices on the web, which often look like doll crutches and always seem as if they’re being sold by aliens. There’s no way the “Pro Pênňís Enlargerment Traction Device” was not created by little green pornstars.
But, OK, elephant trunk in the room: Could you actually—technically—increase the size of your penis without surgery?
As Woman’s Health reported, “two urological researchers from the University of Turin in Italy set out to review the existing literature on low-risk penis-enhancement procedures and found that a method called ‘traction,’ in which men wear a penile extender to stretch their manhood, produced an average growth of 1.5 to 2.5 centimeters (.59 to .98 inches).” The catch? You have to do it for hours a day, and months at a time, and, oh yeah, it’s a dangerous path to penile injury and erectile dysfunction. There’s another dangerous technique called “jelqing,” a.k.a. stretching the penis gradually, every day, that some dudes swear by. “Length is limited by ligaments, which can be slowly stretched over time, like earlobe gauges,” explains one Reddit user, “It has taken me 1,200 hour hours [sic] over 16 months at 20 hours a week, to gain 1.75 inches.” At the end of the day, jelqing is also hated by Science and Doctor Folk. So, just, please—don’t make destroying your penis your part-time job.
Still, “the question of penile enhancement has been something that patients have asked for for years, but [for which] doctors have never had a good answer,” urologist James Elist told VICE in 2017 on the subject of his $13,000, FDA-approved penile implant, Penuma. “Especially for men with small penises, fractured penises, curved penises, or general body dysmorphia,” he explained, there’s a lot of stuff on the market promising the impossible. Thomas J. Walsh, another urologist, also concluded “there's little benefit to penis stretching devices,” in a VICE article by Steven Blum entitled “I Tried to Lengthen My Dick and It Did Not Turn Out So Well.”
Do: Think of it as how to make your penis feel bigger, or how to make your penis seem bigger. Try some easier fixes first, like cock rings, sleeves, and couples' toys; then, if you wish, enjoy the sensation of tugging, grip, and weight on your penis. Don’t: tractor-pull your penis, cut-off its circulation, or come into the otherwise wonderful world of penis sex toys with the impression you’ll inch-up forever. Life should be more than some eight-inch crusade. May penises of all shapes and sizes live [splashes holy water], laugh, and love. And may those who do seek the sensation of growth find what they’re looking for, be it from a penis pump, jelly ring, or a pair of American-Girl-Doll-sized dumbbells for their balls. (Just, please—keep your anus away from the bike pump.)
Now that we’ve scared your horny cannoli out of bad decision-making, or at least tried, LET’S GET LARGE! We’re vaccinated, we’re horny, and our favorite sex toys are on sale. Approach the following ~accoutrements~ with education, erection(s), and a lot of lube, then get ready to watch that penis lead the parade.
A beginner-to-intermediate penis ring
Don’t be intimidated by the loops and texture. This is a really simple, fun way to increase stimulation on your partner’s clitoris (the textured bit) and keep your penis erect longer. There are 12 vibrational patterns, and “the smaller ring, worn around the shaft, has a diameter that stretches from 1.25 to 2.25 inches while the larger ring, worn over the shaft and balls, has a diameter stretching from 2 to 3.5 inches.” Doing the absolute most, so you can put your attentions elsewhere.
This very ~*~millennial~*~ cock ring kit
This kit is a solid launching point into penis rings, as the apparati are joined by a little band, making for a much easier release, and a less intimidating experience than sliding on a single ring. Bonus: the company will send you free replacement bands, and you can also pay for it in installments of $47 with Quadpay. Did you buy this penis ring kit at a boutique in the West Village? A light Memphis Design Group gallery in Austin? That’s for you to know, and your partner to wonder.
A couples' vibe that can be worn internally during sex
What is this embryonic angler fish, you may ask? This couple’s vibrator slides into your partner’s vagina for hands-free clitoral and G-spot stimulation, “letting both partners experience intense vibrations” with its two-headed nature (don’t worry, there are plenty of diagrams on insertion in the packaging). It’s easily adjustable, and remote-control enabled so you can continue getting your partner off when your boner is waning, or when you’re taking the soufflé out of the oven. Such power, these vibrators hold.
Plug it up
An anal plug or massager can be really satisfying for giving you a feeling of fullness and weight during sex or foreplay, and this one is also an (optional) penis ring. Love a multitasker.
Pump it up
A penis pump, as our buds at Mayo Clinic explain, “consists of a plastic tube that fits over the penis, a hand or battery-powered pump attached to the tube, and a band that fits around the base of the penis once it is erect (constriction ring).” When used properly, it can be really effective at increasing blood flow and keeping you harder, longer. The positive reviews for this model by Blush say it all: “First time using it I increased size by over an inch length and 1.5 inch girth. Well worth it,” writes one buyer. Another adds, “Many men scoff at the idea of using a clear, Lucite cylinder and a pump to enlarge your penis. When used properly, it actually WORKS!”
If someone finds it, just say it’s a bike pump
While manual pumps are affordable and popular, electric pumps will help you get a vacuum seal—and thus maximum blood flow to your penis—without any manual labor, no pun intended. This one from Adorime is super popular; it has a four-star rating from nearly 5,200 reviews, as well as four suction settings and a USB-rechargeable design. Happy buyers call it “the best pump on the market” and “no joke.”
For the pump-curious who are a little nervous
Wanna know what suction can do for you and your dong, but feeling funky about anything with too many tubes and buttons? Hydromax’s top-rated Hydro7 is a more gentle option that uses water to create a natural suction effect that will make you AHAP (as hard as possible). It’s one of the best-selling penis pumps in the world, and gets top marks from users, one of whom says, “I honestly love this thing now and can join the bandwagon saying it DOES work if you will stay with it... Buy it!”
Like stilts for your penis
How fun is this? Easily cleanable, and in a lovely shade of what we’ll call smoked jellyfish, this reusable penis sleeve is a great way to help bring a partner with a vagina (and eager anus) to climax. Or to wear around the house whilst making bucatini.
There’s an extender for every cock
Isn’t that how the old adage goes? Oh, it’s “a lid for every pot”? “Size Matters” is a bit of a rude name for a penis accessory brand, but the reviews for its top-rated Clear Extender Sleeve speak for themselves. “Wife LOVES this thing!” writes one happy dude. “It's significantly longer than I am, so it hits where I can't. Also, the side walls are thick enough to help me last longer, but thin enough that I'm able to climax and enjoy the act with the wife. Absolutely recommended if you want to give her the BIG guns every now and again... and again... and again...”
If the clear extenders weird you out…
You can opt for this more realistic skin-tone extender from Bedsecret, which reviewers say is good quality and “very nice for the price point.” “It's a much better product than I thought, especially for the low price,” writes a happy reviewer. “And don't worry about the lack of a ball strap, it's not needed, it holds VERY WELL! It's quite realistic, very soft and life-like but still firm enough to get the waters flowing!”
Or maybe you want to start simple
Perhaps you just want the look of a larger penis in underwear? According to those in the online, male underwear discourse, one of the best pairs of underwear for making your junk look bigger (after some strategic ball-to-peen placement) are pocket boxer briefs by the brand David Archie, because they lift–but doesn’t flatten–all your goods. They have 4.5 stars on Amazon, almost 3,000 stellar ratings, and are kind of giving Mr. Klein a run for his money. “These pairs were perfect for everyday wear,” writes one reviewer, “Given that you can get four of the David Archy pairs for what it costs to get one of the Calvin Klein pairs, there's no comparison.”
The masturbator of Elon Musk’s wet dreams
LELO is one the best sex toy engineers out there, making high-design, lowkey vibrators for the people that don’t want to invest hundreds in a sex toy that’s just going to look tacky on the nightstand. That’s why we appreciate this masturbator—enigmatically named the “F1”—so much. Not only will it match all our minimalist, Japandi decor, but it uses SenSonic wave (sensory) technology to not only beat the meat, but keep the stroking consistent. “10 cutting edge performance sensors ensure your F1s never provides a frustrating drop in power during vigorous use,” explains the brand. Bonus: It comes with free porn through the LELO app.
An insertable strap-on
Well, isn’t that nice? Some very thoughtful person realized how cool it would be to have the means to penetrate and please your partner, even when you’re on the smaller side, have trouble getting erect, or are taking your time on your way to Bonerville.
A penis sleeve that’s a rumbly good time
This vibrating masturbation sleeve humble, remote-controlled jetpack for thine balls. “Great product, easy to use,” writes one reviewer, “Unbelievable feeling. Not sure why it took me so long to get something like this.” Your partner will love the vibrations, and so will you.
Remember this penile wine-stopper?
Ah, this thing. One of the stand-outs of all the weirdest sex toys out there. It’s meant to be used for edging, and released at juuuust the right moment for the full Bellagio Fountain effect. Buy it for yourself or your penis-bearing partner, and get into dirty talk about how totally Krakatoa-loaded with sperm they are, bruh.
No matter your size, don't forget that it's all about figuring out what feels good for you and your partner of choice (even if that partner is also, uh, yourself.) See you in the anal toy aisle.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.