All the Things We'd Buy from Goop If We Were Rich and Bored

Goop is well known for being one of the more brow-raising places on the internet. As Hannah Ewens notes in “The 'Goop Effect': The Women Who Spend Hundreds Seeking Spirituality,” the platform has both filled and fed a search for easily digestible spirituality and meaning from largely Western, privileged millennials who are turning away from organized religion and opening up their pocketbooks. It's the poster child for retail self-care and the mindless option of woo-woo supplements and watered-down interpretations of Eastern medicine. But if nothing else, hey, Gwyneth is a smart businesswoman—and if we were Scrooge McDucking in a gold-coin swimming pool as big as hers, we would probably feel fine rolling the dice on some $1,049 gemstone heat therapy mats to see if they make us feel better about our petty problems, too. Just please stay far, far away from the (plentiful) Goop stuff served with dubious health claims—or at least buy at your own risk, with a chunky grain of freshly grated Himalayan salt.

We would be lying if we were to say we weren’t curious about the homewares, electronics, and left-field objets deemed worthy of Goop’s council. Even—or perhaps especially—some of the most frivolous amongst them merit more investigation. For frivolity does not equate to stupidity, my bro. Sure, it's easy to ridicule a leather carrying bag for a watermelon, but isn't there something appealing about one, too? (See: this Goop gift guide.) I hate that person, murmurs the churlish demon baby on our shoulder, but also… I inexplicably want to be that person. There's actually a lot of pretty appealing stuff on there, from beautifully designed kitchen appliances to out-there sex toys, and certainly a distinct sense of curation to the site’s goods, love or hate them. That watermelon tote (the hill we die on, apparently) was actually made by talented Japanese leather workers who have been perfecting their craft since the 60s as part of a reflective, artistic project called “The Fun of Carrying.” Honestly... sounds kind of cool?

Today, we’ve simply decided it’s our job, as curious consumers who want to feel something, to sift through the crystals and manuka honey and find the best whimsical, indulgent, or straight-up useful stuff that’s worth taking to the grave (or, at least the checkout line). No, we're not going for the $35,000 "pyramid commode"; these picks are at least somewhat within reach. Cheers. [Raises kombucha in the air.]

The “bread genius” who invented this toaster “spent two decades pursuing the perfect slice of toast.” (Which… OK?) It’s steam-injected with “five cubic centimeters” of water that you drizzle in through the coin slot while the machine heats up. It’s kinda like you’ll have a professional baker’s oven, where steam helps with moisture retention in your slice, except it’s for the home cook, and you’re not Guy Fieri. Yet. 

Balmuda the Toaster, $329 at Goop

Goop actually has a pretty amazing sex toy selection, from classics like the We-Vibe Womanizer to stuff even our horny, jaded arses have never seen before, like "The French Lover," an "Intimate Wellness Solution" that practically has sentience, and a beautiful 24-karat-gold vibrator on a tasteful necklace (wowee). But perhaps most intriguing is the Tilt, an all-gender toy from award-winning sex toy designer Lora DiCarlo, with two built-in, individually controllable vibes that offer simultaneous internal and external pleasure for any and every body type—and best of all, it warms up to a few degrees above body temp, so it feels like you're really doin' it with, well, a warm body. 

Lora DiCarlo Tilt, $140 at Goop

...Of course Goop is also thinking about the most premium lube experience money can offer. That's why it features the Pulse Warmer, a lube warmer (with $30 refill packs) that preps your slidey goo for your bits so that you don't do that little jump when you make contact. 

Pulse Warmer lube warmer, $199 at Goop

For this vibrator/art piece, the Goopy masterminds “didn’t just listen to [their] own desires” (world domination? a sovereign Upper East Side?), they “listened to yours.” One end is the “ultimate wonder-ball” wand for external massage, and the other end is for more targeted stimulation. Each side features eight different pulsating patterns with varying intensities. Unfortunately, it’s not made out of jade.

Double-Sided Wand Vibrator, $95 at Goop

GreenPan usurps the nasty chemicals in traditional nonstick stuff, and we do appreciate that, but more importantly, we love that this massive roasting pan—which can handle everything from a toddler-sized turkey to a lasagna that can feed the entire OVO crew—looks like the Bentley of bakeware. Those gold tone handles… [sizzle noise]. And it's dishwasher-safe and infused with diamonds to make it, like, scratch-resistant, you know?

GreenPan Reserve Ceramic Nonstick Roaster with Rack, $179.99 at Goop

Wrong. Ol’ GW (probably) has her go-bag hidden behind the three-story wall of essential oil diffusers that serves as the main structural support wall in her A-frame in Arizona. But what if she’s at the beach, you ask? Well, she’d use her bug-out fanny pack.

Judy The Mover emergency preparedness kit, $195 at Goop

What? Sorry, we couldn’t hear you over the womp-womp of these chonky, bass-filled Skullcandy headphones. The set is also wireless, so you can do all the parkour you want with Rage Against the Machine for up to 40 hours of battery time, if you haven’t collapsed by then. Luckily, they, too, collapse for easier carrying. But, unlike you, they can recharge to full capacity after just 10 minutes. 

Skullcandy Crusher Evo Wireless Headphones, $199.90 $80 at Goop

Ever wonder why the immersion-blendered bisques you throw together at home never have the same je ne sais quoi as the otherwise mediocre sweet potato soup from your local high-end bistro? It's about the microgreens, man. Grow 'em yourself with this Adult™ Chia Pet situation, sprinkle on your salads, sandos, and apps, and watch as everything you cook is suddenly worthy of documenting via a well-lit overhead shot.

Hamama Microgreen Starter Kit, $39 at Goop

A few years back, Gwyneth Paltrow casually revealed that she does, in fact, get stoned, which really shouldn't be that surprising since she's out here growing microgreens, trying fancy vibrators, and looking very happy about it. For all that joint-lighting without having to pat your chore-coat pockets for a Bic, there's this handy USB-rechargeable lighter, with a full charge offering 300 sparks of a doobie. 

USB rechargeable lighter, $30 at Goop

Here’s a charming rock ‘n’ grater set for if breaking down a rock over your salad feels like the right everyday task for you… which frankly, maybe it is?

Himalayan Rock Salt and Grater, $29.95 at Goop

At the end of 2020, Goop discontinued its signature night cream, which normally would result in a shrug—but unfortunately, one slightly ashamed Rec Room editor has used their (also discontinued) melting cleanser and says it's absolutely the best makeup-removing balm they've ever tried. Last chance to grab this one before Gwyneth Paltrow has another scandal. 

Goop by Juice Beauty Replenishing Night Cream, $140 $112 at Goop

The Shift is some sort of stainless-steel tube on a necklace that you blow into to "elongate your breath." "Designed with ancient wisdom and modern science in mind, the Komusō Shift is a simple, tech-free mindfulness tool that we find extraordinarily soothing," reads the description. "When you feel a little worked up, just take a deep breath in, bring the mouthpiece to your lips, and exhale gently through the narrow tube. Your exhale naturally elongates, and by the fifth or sixth round of breath, your mind settles down, too." This is peak Goop.

Komuso Design The Shift, $105 at Goop

Every kiss begins with kilometers, people. And if you're Gwyneth, a FitBit will not suffice for tracking your kilometers; it's gotta be a beautiful, minimalist-chic ring loaded with tech. (Not sure if it’ll fit? Here’s a nifty little size kit.)

Oura Ring, $299 at Goop

We're all hoping to find two 20s in the pocket of an old jacket so that we can justify buying this and fucking up some fresh cilantro. 

Herb chopper, $40 at Goop

Definitely the cutest insect repellant we've ever seen. It is still 30 American dollars whilst heavily on sale… but again, cute. 

Kinfield 72 and Sunny Weekender Kit, $74 $30 at Goop

There's zero shade to throw here. A microplane will change your life—whether you get it from Goop or not. Zest your knuckles citrus, obliterate your alliums, and start putting nutmeg in literally everything you make. 

Microplane Grater, $20 at Goop

If, after all we've learned, you still want a very smooth crystal that's meant to be slid up in your hoo-ha, that's still an option, too. There have been many explainers about why that is a bad idea, but this might be worth the purchase just be the perfect addition to a 2010s time capsule. What a long, strange trip it's been.

Goop Wellness Jade Egg, $66 at Goop

This is the danger of Goop. You start lurking, with plans to troll, and the next thing you know, your cart is full. Curse you, yoni egg.

The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story.