Spring cleaning is cool, but you know what else rocks? The fall hunker-down. We’re talking about the moment when we smash that order button on (another) faux-chinchilla fur blanket from West Elm, light-up the Feu De Bois candle, and start incorporating über cozy fabrics and furniture into our apartment that lets everyone know how hot, well-read, and bisexual/great at Animal Crossing we are.
According to TikTok, this season’s hottest piece of queer-coded furniture is a green velvet sofa. A video asking “if you identify as bisexual, do you own a green velvet couch?” was posted by @keepitspooky, and stitched by actor Shay Mitchell of Pretty Little Liars fame—green velvet sofa in view—and in turn stitched by Emily Ratajkowski, who sat upon her own (bisexual??) mint green velvet couch. The internet has responded with a suitable, collective swoon. “HUGE WIN,” one user commented on the post, while another wrote, “DUA LIPA NEXT.”
Whether you’re bisexual or not, we can all agree that there’s nothing more lowkey horny-cool than a velvet sofa. We’re partial to the minty, postmodern couch posted by Emrata, but we’re also into pro-velvet couches with deep emerald hues, Victorian tufting, and vampiresexual energy. We’ve rounded up some of our favorites below for every budget, space, and aesthetic.
The best scratch-proof velvet couch
No more cheapo-looking couches with wonky seams. Interior Define makes some of the best high quality (and highly customizable) cat- and scratch-proof couches your clams can buy. In the words of Interior Define, “[This] Asher [sofa] is all about the angles. Its architectural design features a nearly trapezoidal arm, perfectly pitched back, and mitered corners.” In other words, every aspect of this couch has been executed with great attention to detail, and any bisexual/hot person would be proud to nap on its wide-set, velvet green cushions.
Interior Define has a lot of colorway and fabric options, including a range of dreamy greens such as sage, Essex, and the celadon velvet of this three-seater couch, the “Sloan,” which comes pretty close to the shade of Ratajkowski's couch. “I LOVE my Sloan sofa and ottoman!!!” one reviewer writes. “I added the additional cost to the seat cushions, which gives wonderful support and stays fluffy, and never looks messy!”
This best curved velvet sofa
Who wouldn’t like to lay down on the curvatures of this velvet jelly bean with a juicy magazine and a few cannolis? Curved sofas are having a moment, from Emma Chamberlain’s couch in her recent, viral Architectural Digest feature to the curved green couch/bisexual throne of Ratajkowski herself. Joss & Main’s velvet sofa will add visual interest to your living room with its blob-esque form while making the vibe more inviting.
The best small-space velvet sofa
Every hot person deserves a velvet couch with two extended L-shaped sections (one for their pet; one for their crush), no matter the size of their apartment. Belffin’s compact but comfy velvet sectional has a 4.3-star average rating on Amazon, where one reviewer explains that “there is storage under every square section and the green velvet looks so luxurious [...] Very comfortable and I would definitely purchase more sections when I get a bigger space.”
The designer dupe
Eternity Modern has truly blessed with this made-to-order velvet couch, whose rounded shape and tufted details remind us of the iconic 1979 Mario Bellini Camaleonda sofa that’s all over Instagram. This is the kind of piece that will do all the heavy lifting, aesthetic-wise, in your living room; pair it with some floating Vitsœ shelves and a Noguchi lamp to make all your Tinder dates think you know more about Bergman films than you actually do.
The most affordable velvet sofas
Trying to find an expensive-looking sofa for cheap? This velvet Ashley Macleary loveseat is 21% off on Amazon right now, and comes in a versatile shade of light sage. It has a 4.5-star average rating on the site, where reviewers praise everything from its durability with pets to its easy-to-assemble nature. The only major negative review is from a user who writes that their delivery person smelled like weed?? (Green velvet club card = revoked for narcs.)
If your aesthetic leans more MCM, AllModern’s velvet green sofa is $270 off. The couch is a best-seller on the site with a 4.7-star average rating from over 4,800 reviews, including one customer who says it’s “comfy and easy to sleep on,” and that their “boyfriend got bike grease on it the first day, and with some cleaner it came completely out!”
Hands down, [redacted] up, this has to be the most affordable couch we’ve ever seen that also boasts such high ratings on Amazon. The emerald green stunner has a 4.4-star average rating on the site from over 400 reviews. “This piece looks like a high-end modern sofa,” one fan writes, “I was prepared to drop $1k to $1,800 for the right piece to go with our retro [living room] and loved this color and style [...] It was a snap to put together.”
The best vampiresexual velvet couch
A rolled-arm velvet sofa is arguably the most Victorian, vampiresexual piece of furniture that has ever hit the market, and the Lestat to your Louis will be pleased with this Alcott Hill sofa from Wayfair. “Ordered [it] on a Monday and it showed up on my doorstep on Saturday,” one reviewer writes, “It’s dope and simple to assemble! I love it.”
When Bitcoin bounces back, we’re buying this
Do we have the means to ball-out on this jaw-droppingly gorgeous, velvet empress? No. But we’re really good at
pickpocketing your wallet investing in crypto, rare fish, and stealing your girlfriend, and it’s time we had a couch that proves it.
Now go motorboat some velvet, mate. You deserve it.
The Rec Room staff independently selected all of the stuff featured in this story. Want more reviews, recommendations, and red-hot deals? Sign up for our newsletter.