In Sean Spicer's very first statement as the White House press secretary, he gripped the podium with both hands and basically shouted at the assembled media for several uninterrupted minutes. He also lied, a lot. "This was the largest audience to ever witness an inauguration, period, both in person and around the globe," he said of the not-at-all-largest audience that had assembled to watch one Donald J. Trump take the presidential Oath of Office the day before.
Spicer resigned from that job a few months later, and, in a fair and just world, he would've disappeared from the public eye, save for an occasional appearance in a tabloid's "Where Are They Now?" issue, or becoming the kind of bar trivia answer that no one feels bad about getting wrong.
But Spicer is still out there, still wearing a series of ill-fitting sport coats. He wrote a book. He danced with the Stars. And now he's willing to wreck your Valentine's Day for under $200.
On Wednesday, Spicer posted an Instagram video offering to make a personalized video for someone you love (???), just in time for tomorrow's big holiday. (He called it the "best gift you could possibly give," because exaggerating is apparently still a big part of his vocabulary.)
"Hey guys, it's Sean Spicer with an amazing deal. This month, for the entire month of February, my videos that normally cost $400 [are] over 50% off. $199, is going to give you the best Valentine's Day gift ever," he said. "What way to say 'I love you, I'm thinking of you this Valentine's Day,' than a video from me?"
We're fairly confident in that no one has ever gotten laid from buying a clearance-priced-yet-still-$200 Sean Spicer video—yet!—but you do you, or whatever.
Spicer is filming the videos through the Cameo platform, which he joined in December, and all of the proceeds from his videos, whether for Valentine's Day or not, are donated to the Independence Fund, an organization that provides support to wounded veterans and their families. (Spicer is on the Independence Fund's Board of Directors.)
If you're dead-set on dropping $200 for a Cameo video, there are a number of other semi-celebrities who aren't Sean Spicer who would probably be willing to take your cash and record a Valentine's Day message too; for less than that, you could hire Sandra "Dr. Pimple Popper" Lee to say that your love has grown like an untreated lipoma, or pay infamous Fyre Festival event planner Andy King to explain what you'd be willing to suck dick for, or you could get two videos from Not the Worst Baldwin Brother.
Orrrrr… you just could make a donation to a meaningful charity in honor of your loved one. If you still feel the need to bring Sean Spicer into it, just lie and tell them that it was the largest contribution ever, period, in person and around the globe. Same diff.