The UK's far-right finally have the government they've been hoping for. According to a document released today, the Tories will be introducing a new immigration control system that requires migrants to achieve a certain number of points before being allowed into the UK, much like the system currently in place in Australia – which has been criticised for enforcing racial bias.
According to this system, your value as a human being can be boiled down to some neat, reductive economic characteristics.
In order to receive enough points to apply to work in the UK, workers must have a job offer (20 points), a job at an "appropriate skill level" (20 points) and a high level of spoken English (10 points). These mandatory fields give you 50 points, and you can pick up the necessary remaining 20 through a mixture of earning enough money to be deemed acceptable as a person and/or having a PhD. The government can also choose to make specific allowances for certain jobs.
Unless you have a PhD, you're pretty much going to need to earn over £25,600 to be allowed in at all, like the worst exclusive club in the world that's not even actually at all classy. This means there are a whole number of valuable jobs – ones often taken by unskilled EU workers – that wouldn't be deemed important enough to get you into the UK.
Industry leaders have said the move could be an "absolute disaster" for businesses, while Labour argued the new rules will "need to have so many exemptions, for the NHS, for social care and many parts of the private sector, that it will be meaningless". So: all in all, not great.
Until the new rules are enforced, let's take a look at whether you'd be able to move to the UK based on the average salary of your chosen industry. And for British readers, remember: if you're currently working one of these jobs – the government sees you as basically worthless!
Youth community workers – Average Salary: £25,383
Want to help young people in your area? Tough. The average salary for youth community workers is under the government threshold, so that's a hard no for you. (Unless you're a youth community worker with a PhD relevant to youth community work!)
Health associate professionals – Average Salary: £24,030
This includes jobs like the staff who administer radiation therapy to those with cancer, or people who support midwives or nurses. Under the points system, these jobs have an average salary that isn't high enough to let you work in the UK, and therefore aren't valuable enough to warrant a UK working visa.
Welfare housing professionals – Average Salary: £24,012
These are the people who advise families who require housing benefits, i.e. make it easier for people put a roof over their heads. Getting rid of them is a real win-win for the Tories.
Pharmaceutical technicians – Average Salary: £22,762
Not pharmacists, as they earn enough, but those who assist in the pharmacy. They might manage and prepare the medicine or give you advice when you're terrified about that weird rash on your arm. Still, they're just! Not! Valuable! Enough! For! Us! Brits! What do you mean it looks infected?
Farm workers – Average Salary: £21,775
Hard, gruelling work, mostly staffed by unskilled workers from the EU. After the 31st of December, farms will no longer be able to recruit from outside the UK unless farmers start paying people more, which – surprise! – is not how this one's going to play out.
Chefs – £21,403 – Average Salary:
There is already a well-established shortage of chefs in the UK. Who will apply for the job at the pub that's had a "chefs wanted" sign in its window for months? Not someone from the EU, that's for sure.
While this might not seem super important, the hospitality industry props up the economy of many places around the UK, especially in coastal areas which can no longer survive on traditional industries like fishing. The post-Brexit future is waiting an intolerably long time for a pub lunch during a staycation you took to avoid visa queues at the French border.
Hospital porters – Average Salary: £19,965
A porter is responsible for transporting things and people around hospitals, and is one of many jobs in the NHS staffed largely by migrant workers. What's another NHS crisis to add to the list?
Dental nurses – Average Salary: £18,755
Fifty percent of dental nurses searching for a new job are "actively" looking to leave the industry completely, suggesting it's not exactly a desirable thing to do. Best of luck replacing them!
Care workers – Average Salary: £18,084 – £19,983
There is already a huge social care crisis in the UK, but please be in no doubt, potential social care workers: you are not wanted. Take your angelic forbearance in the face of old age and death, and your paltry salary – and get the hell out!
You get the point
These are just a few of the professions and salary bands that the government has officially deemed tacky and unwelcome. There are others, of course – maybe you're working in one right now – and only native Brits are allowed to fill these worthless positions. Indeed, Priti Patel claims that shortages could be dealt with by training up the 8.5 million "economically inactive" people living in Britain.
Easy! Except those "economically inactive" people are students, carers, sick or retired. On your bike, grandma!