‘I’ve done some strange things in the name of content, but this is the weirdest.’ That’s basically what went through my brain when I began receiving emails for a new sex toy called the Balldo – a silicone cage that, when fitted to someone’s scrotum, allows them to fuck someone with just their balls. Seriously.
After being emailed repeatedly about the numerous abilities of the Balldo ("the world’s first ball-dildo”, according to its manufacturers), each one more incredible than the last (including but not limited to: the Balldo “allows the wearer and recipient to have ‘Ballsex’ and have their first ‘ballgasm’”, the Balldo is a “solution for ED [erectile dysfunction]” and is a “never seen before way of extra pleasure in sex”), I knew it was my professional duty to experience this.
The instructions say you should consult your GP before using the Balldo, but it’s hard enough getting an appointment at the best of times, never mind when it’s because you want to fuck someone with your balls. So instead I rang Dr Sameer Sanghvi, the clinical technology lead at LloydsPharmacy, and asked him about the ED claims.
“Away from the traditional medicines that people are probably aware of, Viagra and other tablets, there are other treatments [for ED] available,” he told me. “There are things like pumps and injections that people use. Pumps provide an increase in pressure and an erection. I don't know if this [Bal;ldo] potentially uses something similar, but I wouldn't want to comment on individual products I don’t know.”
He told me that more young people under the age of 34 were reporting suffering from ED, he’s not sure if this constitutes a rise in cases or just a trend where more people are willing to report it. He also said that there were many potential factors (stress, anxiety, depression, obesity, smoking, recreational drug use and low mood as a result of the pandemic) that can cause erectile problems.
The Balldo was launched after an Indiegogo campaign raised almost £80,000 for Nadgerz Inc., the company behind the sex toy, so I asked about Dr Sanghvi another claim that Balldo’s manufacturers have made: “The male scrotal sack has virtually the same amount of nerve endings as the woman’s vulva. This is because it’s essentially the same skin as the outer labia.”
Dr Sanghvi wasn’t sure. “We do know that it [the ball sack] has significant nerve endings,” he continued, “but to say the same tissue as the vulva I wouldn't know. I would like to hope that they have significant scientific evidence to reflect that statement.” I went back to the Balldo overlords and asked them if they were referring to a particular study; they directed me to a Wikipedia page.
The idea of taking one of the most sensitive – and let’s be honest, unsightly – parts of my body and using it to fuck someone filled me with nervousness. And I should have listened to that feeling because the act itself was an abject failure. The main problem is that trying to fuck someone with your balls is like simultaneously attempting to push two bowling balls back through the machine that delivers them to the players.
I shaved my balls as instructed, lubed up and put on the cage, beginning with the huge tip, which looked like a small rocket and made my balls bulge out on either side. Then I slid the spacer rings – essentially thick rubber bands made of silicone – up past the cage and my balls to make my sack taut. Now that my testicles were squished into a penis-like shape, I tried to jack them off, but that didn’t feel good; in fact, it kind of hurt. It was about as sexy as getting an STI check-up.
Still, I attempted my first foray into ballsex with my partner Erin, after extensive foreplay and prep to make sure they were ready to receive their first ball-dildo. We tried missionary and barely got the tip in. More lube. Still didn’t work. More lube. Tried doggy, super slow. Still didn’t work. More lube. Tried missionary again, with Erin’s legs spread high as instructed by the Balldo makers.
We were onto a fisting amount of lube by now, enough to sink a ship. My dick flopped around on top like a lonely Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm Flailing Tubeman at a threesome he wasn’t invited to – not a sight I’ll forget any time soon. This carried on until I spotted drops of blood on the sheets, so we discontinued our investigation. The situation had become about as sexy as a Tory conference at a depressed seaside town.
“I just couldn’t take the Balldo and it made me bleed,” Erin told me. “Maybe it’s one of those things where the shape didn’t take into account the feeling of the vulva-owner. It was more about the ‘ballgasm’ rather than the orgasm in general.” They added: “Anyway, don’t all orgasms come from your balls, if that’s where the sperm are?”
Do they think it’s going to cause a sexual revolution as the makers claim? “No – I hope not, I really hope for all the vulvas of the world. I think a good old ball squeeze will do the job. I’m sad that we couldn’t get your balls inside, but it should have been shaped differently, thinner at the top.”
This was the worst sex toy I’ve ever tried, and that includes the one that was like fucking an inkjet printer. Thankfully, Erin’s bleeding only lasted for a short time; we had non-ball-involved sex the next morning and it was fine. In conclusion, yes, it turns out you can actually fuck someone with your balls. But just because you can, doesn’t mean you should.