Can 40 Penguins with Machine Guns Kill a Triceratops? 'Beast Battle Simulator' Knows

Beast on beast action has never been so hot.
Image: Dog Hoggler

There are questions that have plagued mankind since the dawn of time. What's the nature of being? What's the sound of one hand clapping? Can an army of well-equipped penguins take down a triceratops?

Now, thanks to Beast Battle Simulator, we have answers to at least one of those age-old questions. Forty penguins armed with machine guns can, indeed, fell a triceratops with minimal casualties. Here's the proof:


Beast Battle Simulator is a ridiculous and fun new release on Steam's early access program. The team at developer Dog Hoggler have taken the popular game Ultimate Epic Battle Simulator (UEPS) and turned the wackiness up to 11. UEPS is a PC game that allows users to simulate large scale battles from the comfort of an office chair. You can pit the WWII era US army against Roman soldiers or 5,000 stormtroopers against 60,000 zombies.

Beast Battle Simulator does the same, but keeps the focus on animals and dinosaurs. Players can play challenges that test their critical thinking skills or just open sandbox mode and see what kind of weirdness is possible. Want to know what happens when a shotgun-wielding squad of kangaroos led by a vanguard of suicide bombing 'roos tussles with three T. rexes? Motherboard has you covered.

The challenge mode assigns the beasts and weapons a monetary value, then asks the player to spend that amount fighting off a pack of beasts. The first challenge asks you to spend $1,500 to take down a swarm of angry seagulls. The second allots you $20,000 to weaponize pigs against a T. rex. Hard choices with dire consequences.

It's fun, but the real draw here is the sandbox mode. How else are you going to learn that a flock of 50 laser-bearing seagulls can easily dismember a pack of raptors. I've run the simulations. Multiple times.

Get six of our favorite Motherboard stories every day by signing up for our newsletter.