People Told Us the Worst Things They've Said While on Cocaine

"Am I the most successful person you know?"
April 12, 2018, 11:04am
Screenshot: thelonelyisland via YouTube

This article originally appeared on VICE UK. Cocaine makes you awful. Not always, but often. You know this because—in your brief time on Earth—you'll have encountered at least one unblinking monologuist talking about themselves, at length, at you, through their two numb front teeth. Or perhaps, you've been that person yourself.

Either way, cocaine bores can take solace in the fact that they're not necessarily intrinsically awful. As VICE reported, a study at the Netherlands' Maastricht University found that even a single bump of coke is enough to affect your ability to recognize negative emotions in other people, which is why you're more likely to drone on about something objectively boring, under the impression that it's wildly interesting to everyone around you, when really it is not.


The good thing about being a dick on coke, though, is that it's usually funny in retrospect—unless you did a truly terrible thing. Luckily, none of the people we asked for their worst cocaine quote had done anything that bad.

  • "A fun thing I did on cocaine once, when everyone else was on cocaine 'having fun,' was say, 'What's the biggest regret of your entire life?' Stuff like that really kills a mood."
  • "I think the most common and objectively worst thing I tend to say is: 'Up the RA [Irish Republic Army].'"
  • "I know we've only just met, but—and this isn't the coke or booze talking—but we should get lunch tomorrow."
  • "Thing is, coke is a hugely creative drug—it creates real opportunities."
  • "My problem is that everything I say is probably the worst thing I've ever said, but at the time, I feel like it's super interesting and worth everyone's time. And then, I wake up and feel general embarrassment, but my brain comes to the rescue and blanks out all the details. So short answer: everything."
  • "'You, I like; you, I do not.' I said this to my boyfriend's two bosses."
  • "Shall we get another bag? It's only 4 AM."


  • "The day my friend got a promotion at work, he was at the pub 'celebrating' and asked me, completely seriously, 'Am I the most successful person you know?'"
  • "[This private member's club] is starting to feel like Heathrow Terminal 5."
  • "'Shall we all *gestures toward a crowd of 20 people* go back to my apartment?' I do that a lot, and because my place is tiny, I always regret it as soon as I say it."
  • "Oh, I've been thinking about getting into recruitment—what's it like?"
  • "'She's such a badass. She used to drink blood and get with her brother.' Have never lived it down."
  • "I had a good two-hour conversation with someone at a work party, very earnestly discussing starting a marketing company that only makes ads for Snapchat. We haven't talked about it since."
  • "Some variation of, 'We don't do this enough—you know, just hang out and talk,' to a friend I do exactly that with basically every weekend."


  • "Let's talk about work for a sec."
  • "An extended monologue about the gym routine I'd done only once at that point, to two girls at a house party who clearly could not have given less of a fuck."
  • "A follow-up from that—later that night, I very seriously asked someone if they 'wanted to see my abs,' even though I had no abs and had only been working out for like two weeks. Horrible."
  • "I'm probably the best illustrator I know of working in London. I don't want to sound like an arrogant cunt or anything, but I am."
  • "It's not something I said, exactly, but I once took tons of coke and went into a really intense sauna in Berlin, which cannot be good for the heart. I'm very glad I didn't end up on the front page of the paper—'Promising young photographer dies in tragic cocaine sauna mishap.'"
  • "Let's book tickets to LA!"
  • "Oh, God, everything. But if I had to pick, a recent occasion where I spent about 40 minutes talking at people about the SZA album—literally at them. That was the worst 'face-to-palm' moment I've had in a long time."
  • "Yeah, no, I think about space and God and the cosmos a lot. I don't know a lot about it because thinking about it too much kind of blows my mind, but I think about it a lot."

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