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6 Ways FIFA is Just Like Shady Rave Promoters

Scandal! Bribery! Intrigue! Wanton Corruption! Rave?

The 2014 FIFA World Cup begins today in Brazil, which means that countless people around the planet will be calling in sick with a mysterious bout of illness for the next few weeks. Coincidentally, it's also festival season, which means countless ravers around the planet will be calling in sick with a mysterious bout of illness every Monday for the next three months..

After watching John Oliver's rant-of-the-year on FIFA's incorrigible corruption last week, we got to thinking…There are a lot of similarities between FIFA's questionable dealings and those of rave promoters we've met along the years. Like this…

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Price Gauging

Here's a fun fact! The cost of a VIP Package to the World Cup Final is $50,000. We once went to a woods rave where the promoter tried to sell $100 VIP packages that consisted of access to a lawn chair and a bottle of water. If you're a clubber, the exorbitant cost of table service, which is basically the glorified right to sit down somewhere, is old news. Party people are easy to fleece, it seems.

Party in the Desert

What's that? 122 degrees? 300 miles from civilization? No taxes?! We'll be there faster than you can say heat stroke! Don't worry, if you get so thirsty that you're within a drop of your life, there's a $14 water bottle waiting for you and an indentured migrant worker to sell it to you. Am I talking about Qatar 2022 or your favorite massive? It's been proven time and time again that, if the money's there, the event will be happy to migrate to bumfuck nowhere.

Questionable Labor Practices

More than one migrant manual laborer in Qatar dies per day, many of those building stadiums for the 2022 World Cup. That is seriously fucked up. Allegations of volunteer mistreatment are rife at festivals around the country. Sure, nobody died, but who tries to hoodwink a volunteer? That's low. Events that bring people together probably shouldn't have lawsuits or body counts.

Sexism

Our study of the gender divide among DJs at festivals indicates that women are severely underrepresented behind the decks. Sure, that's bad. But FIFA is worse. When asked how to make women's soccer more popular, Sepp Blatter responded, "They should wear shorter shorts." What an asshole.

Bribery Allegations

FIFA shits money. They shit money all over themselves. It's a widely known fact that you can bribe your way into whatever you want if Sepp Blatter is around. Hey! C-list actor with no DJing experience -- How did you get a headline spot on this festival? Oh wait a minute, we already know. You got booked FIFA-style.