Werther’s Original England Manager: Roy Hodgson and the Cult of the Benign

If Roy Hodgson is offered a new contract after the Euros, it should contain a clause that requires him – by law – to wear a fusty, beige cardigan to all of his press conferences. Roy Hodgson is the elder statesman of international football, and must be forced to dress appropriately. Roy is your favourite grandad, the nice one who feeds you countless Werther's Originals and pats you fondly on the head as opposed to the mean, grumpy one with chronic memory problems. He looks like he smells of caramel and mothballs and a generous dollop of Deep Heat, and like he'd secretly slip you a fiver on the weekend and tell you not to spend it all on Twisters.

Roy Hodgson is a national treasure, the sort of huggable, cuddly paterfamilias that makes Britain truly great. He probably worries that kids don't play outdoors enough anymore, and thinks that boiled onions can cure each and every illness known to man. We imagine he spends a lot of time in his shed, and that he takes great pleasure from varnishing his trowel handles. He almost certainly has a model railway in his attic. All in all, he seems like a decent, reliable gentleman who is, fundamentally, benign.

His congenial character isn't necessarily compatible with success at the European Championships, mind. As England manager, Roy often takes the same approach to picking his players as old people do to voting. When it comes to the crucial moment, he tends to make deliberately orthodox, conservative choices. He knows it isn't going to make things any better and, deep down, he reckons it's going to end up causing a lot of ruddy hoo-ha. Nevertheless, he's too set in his ways for all the anxiety and worry that comes with changing the status quo.

Take Roy's attitude towards Wayne Rooney, for instance. In a show of good, solid, uninventive decision making, he will inevitably crowbar Rooney into the starting line up this summer despite the fact that Jamie Vardy, Harry Kane, Daniel Sturridge and even Marcus Rashford would make far more exciting choices up front. Rooney may well end up as an attacking midfielder, but even then he would displace either the effervescent Ross Barkley or the fiery talent of Dele Alli. Rooney's performances have been on the decline for several seasons but, nonetheless, he's the captain. Roy isn't just going to go about dropping the young fellow just because he looks tired, uninspired and markedly out of form.

Rooney will doubtlessly start alongside the likes of Gary Cahill, James Milner and Jordan Henderson. These are steady lads, good chaps, and footballers with a conspicuous lack of creative endeavour. If England's last two major tournaments are anything to go by, the midfielders who drive the team forward are bound to be shunted out to accommodate the players who are content with shoring things up. The problems come when England are faced with a team dynamic enough to do both, and their plodding approach inevitably falls apart.

If Hodgson takes the same conservative attitude that saw him select a midfield partnership of Milner and Scott Parker at Euro 2012 – and saw him pick an ageing Steven Gerrard to partner Henderson at the last World Cup – England will face an early exit at this summer's championships. It's one thing taking gifted youngsters to the tournament, but it makes little difference if they aren't given responsibility and played in their favoured positions. You can just about get away with solid, conservative decision making when it comes to selecting your local MEP but, unfortunately, it doesn't quite cut it if you want to get a team to the latter stages of the Euros.

Then again, it's possible that this is all supremely unfair on Hodgson. It's possible that he'll surprise us over the next few weeks, and bow out of management with a radical last hurrah. He's 68 years old at this point, and won't have many more chances to break from tradition. A bit like when your grandad decides – fuck it – he's going on a student demo, he's dying his hair pink and he wants to try magic mushrooms before his 83rd birthday, maybe Hodgson will play a 3-2-5, accomodate all five of his strikers and play Jack Wilshere and Dele Alli as some sort of bonkers holding-attacking pivot. Maybe he'll play three sweepers at the back with Joe Hart as a rush goalie. It'd be shitting mental but, by God, it would stir the soul.

Roy Hodgson will always be a national treasure for his quiet decency, but imagine the acclaim he'd garner if he finally tried to break the mould. Let's hope Roy excites us this summer, let's hope he gets England playing with genuine verve, and let's hope that – in one brilliant, final blowout – he leaves the cult of the benign behind.

@W_F_Magee