Now that SXSW is over for me, let me share some tips for staying sane while you’re lost in Austin’s annual thicket of obscurity. You see, I’ve been to SXSW two years in a row now, which by media industry standards means I’ve knocked about 15 years off my life. Match that with all of the other horrible things I do to my body and mind and there’s a roughly 40-percent chance that these are the last words I’ll ever type.SXSW is a real commitment. It’s mentally and physically taxing in a way that’s truly impressive from a masochistic perspective. Veterans of the conference will carry scars for the rest of their lives. “This wrist band here?” some mangled vet might stutter at a Conference Goers Anonymous meeting. “Google Reader party, 2009. It was fucked up, man. Saw shit I’ll never be able to un-see.”Yeah, it’s a real mess but it’s loaded with opportunities to meet rad people, eat and drink like a king for free, and learn about the future from super-smart people whose business cards you want.With that said, now that I’m out of the shit, I’d like to impart my wisdom on those of you just reaching Austin, right as one of the most cacophonously hectic, absolutely mind-altering gatherings of soon-to-be zombies kicks into full gear.If you haven’t left yet, don’t fly into Houston, rent a car, and drive to Austin. Just fly straight to Austin by any means possible. I’m telling you right now, if you have any family history of mental illness or are especially anxious, this is like free admission to Panic Attack City, only it isn’t free. You actually wind up paying someone money to go crazy (or your company does—thanks VICE!) I would rather be shot out of a cannon from New York to Austin than do this ever again.While I was down there this weekend, it was pouring buckets, which really stunk. All of my SWAG got soaking wet, I looked and smelled like a possum, and the streets were essentially empty, making the whole thing a little less magical. If I had to guess, you hippies down there for your rock and roll music will use the rain as an opportunity to strike up some sort of mud orgy or naked rickshaw rides between whichever panels you’re going to. Geeks just don’t look as sexy when they behave like you people.Just think about what Woodstock ‘94 would have been like if during Nine Inch Nails’ performance of “Happiness in Slavery,” while Trent Reznor was smashing all of his shit on stage, there was some dude in a Bing t-shirt, group texting everyone about how good the ceviche is at the Skype party. At any rate, whatever the hell you have planned, it looks like it’s probably going to rain.
SXSW isn’t all Shiner Bock and BBQ. It’s a lot of hard work too. And tacos. All the goddamn panels. It’s beating a dead horse to call SXSW overwhelming but you’ll feel like a dead horse by the end of it so whatever. The thing is, there’s too much to choose from. They should get famous people to curate schedules or something—how rad would that be? I’d do the “Bruce Springsteen.” So many awesome things happen at the same time (or while some freak is juggling chainsaws for pizza money in the street) that a lot of great panels and keynote presentations go unseen. If I have any advice for you about the panels, it’s to not think about it too much. For real. Just do whatever your cool friend is doing.This year at SXSW, ad agency BBH is collaborating with homeless people to bring privileged people the Internet. Let me try to unravel the complexities of this bizarre creative decision with a little anecdote. Say your mom tells you that while she was pregnant with you her doctor was worried you might be born with a disease that would leave your family in debt for the rest of their lives, miserable, caring after your very specific needs. He recommends your mother be administered a test to confirm whether or not you have said disease. After the test, there’s good news, it’s determined you’re totally fine. A bit later you’re born, happy as a clam, life is great. Years later, your mom says to you, “Sean, if you did have the disease, I’d have gotten an abortion.” Huh? That’s kind of a compliment. I guess? Do you see what I’m saying? That’s pretty uncouth.
Anyway, Homeless Hotspots. Kind of a weird move, like asking the Hells Angels to do security at Altamont only it’s super-degrading. Degrading in the way only really rich people can be degrading, you know? Insensitive and misguided? Someone with the power to make executive decisions just didn’t think this one through all the way. No biggie. Next time. Keep your eyes peeled for these folks when you’re in Austin though and give them a shot. Try not to feel like an asshole when Google Maps won’t open fast enough because Clarence is moving around too much.
Finally, the most important bit of advice: just do whatever the hell you want. Live spontaneously while you’re in Austin. I guarantee you will be better off for it. Go down with a few things you “need to do,” do them as soon as possible and then just wander through the labyrinthine abyss, let your intuition guide you and as long as you’re with someone from The New York Times, you can get into all of the parties. Also, eat and drink everything. Don’t come back being all, “I wish I went to Salt Lick. Now I wish I was dead. Wahhh!” Go there. It’s incredible. Don’t leave being all, “I never had a breakfast taco. Wahhh!” Eat a hundred of them. For free. Wherever. Drink Big Red (even though it kind of sucks), revel in the selection of beers you can’t get back home—all of that. SXSW has changed a lot since it started as a gathering of frontiersmen in covered wagons diagnosing each other with dysentery, but the stomach pain hasn’t changed a bit.SXSW Interactive Is a Conference In Need of an Upgrade
Motherboard’s SXSW 2011 Omnibus
The Killer App of Tech Conferences
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Houston, We Have a Solution
SXSW Is No Place For A Snoring Old Man
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A Real Panel In The Neck
Keep It Couth

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Wing It
Connections:
Motherboard’s SXSW 2011 Omnibus
The Killer App of Tech Conferences