Is your Instagram feed an inescapable hate-cave of gym selfies, fancy dress baby pics, and motivational quotes misattributed to early-noughties R&B artists? Do you spend your lunch break scrolling endlessly through ugly wedding teeth, cankles, and people tweezering? Do you sometimes long for a respite from the monotony of pugs, beach sunsets, and blossom?
Then fear not, my internet-hydrated friends, for today we are here to bring you the very best rolls, bowls, and auto-proteins uploaded to Instagram in the last seven days.
Take a bite and bring on the food sweats.
A photo posted by Scott Gregory Thomas (@grillinfools) on Apr 21, 2016 at 5:57pm PDT
When I worked as a life model, one of the men in the class told my friend Georgie that I had—and I quote—"A great rack." My friends, under this XL grey Umbro jumper, I genuinely do have a hot set of meat bones interlaced like praying hands where most women's tits might be. I know. A great rack.
Fries tossed in tarragon salt and salmon fish roe. Winning combination A photo posted by CLAW (@clawfood) on Apr 4, 2016 at 11:09am PDT
In the case of Fries vs Roe, the state finds in favour of the defendant, a Ms Saul T. Schnacks. Your body is your own to season as you wish.
Polly O string cheese on crack #raclette #raclettenyc A photo posted by Steve Trias (@yo_stevo) on Apr 21, 2016 at 5:26pm PDT
Do you remember that kissing scene in the 1999 teen smash Cruel Intentions where Sarah "Buffy" Michelle Gellar teaches Selma Blair about "first base"? Where the former takes off her sunglasses and orders the latter to "massage my tongue with yours"? And they leave the most enormous spit trail right there across the screen, hanging between their bottom lips like a telegraph wire? I can't think why on earth this would make me think of that. No ma'am.
Hey lovelies! I've just had an amazing meal with Andy at Nopi in London - early anniversary meal (tomorrow) seriously veggie heaven! Just to let you know I've posted my first video on YouTube! - making one of my favs… Courgette pasta with Kate pesto, peas and avocado. Be warned it's my first one and a little bit shaky! Bit more to come… Would love hear what you think. Link in bio! #rebelrecipes #happy #healthy #avocado #raw #recipe #lifeandthyme #green #vegan #vscocam #love #amazing #yummy #delicious A photo posted by Rebel Recipes (@rebelrecipes) on Apr 19, 2016 at 11:55am PDT
People who say "scrummy" should, by law, also have to grow out their entire eyebrows and be forced to do that strange sitting-down-wiggle that all mums do when they eat a cake made by anyone under the age of 86.
Soooo this week: T- @KERB_ #WIQ (it's my BIRTHDAY) F- @KERB_ #KX F eve - @fourpurebrewing S- @fourpurebrewing ##workingonyourbirthday #food #foodie #foodpic #foodcoma #foodgasm #foodporn #foodphotography #foodlover #foodpics #foodstagram #foodforfoodies #foodblogger #streetfood #streetfoodfam #londonfood #london #londonfoodie #londonstreetfood #steak #chips #eggsnthings #freechips # A photo posted by STAKEhaus (@stakehaus) on Apr 12, 2016 at 12:04pm PDT
Protein, protein, protein, proteeeiiin! I'm beggin' of you please don't take my man. Your beauty is beyond compare, with flaming yolks of ovum hair, with ivory skin and eyes of meaty sheen.
Pandan Ice Cream,Bangkok - Thailand #icecream #bangkok #thailand #photography #foodphotography #food #streetphotography A photo posted by Cheriss The Traveler (@cherissthetraveler) on Apr 21, 2016 at 11:38pm PDT
There's nothing quite so delicious as a wooden dry ski slope covered in the remnants of an igloo building site and that below-zero Emerald City theme park. Absolutely mouth-watering.
A photo posted by Rossini Caviar (@rossinicaviar) on Apr 19, 2016 at 10:10am PDT
I once met a woman who tried to eat a cactus, in some sort of Scandinavian institution, in a bid to move rooms. I know another woman who once ate the head of a carnation in an attempt to appear "eccentric" and "sexy" in front of a guitar band. I also know a woman who eats rocket picked from the side of the canal, precisely four metres from a dog poo bin. Women, huh.
Our favorite berry. Photography by Par Bengtsson. Styling by Randy Price. #foodshoot #foodstyling #instafood #foodphotography #foodstylist #fresh #berries #eatlocal #freshfruit #EatWellLiveWell A photo posted by Agent Mulberry (@agent_mulberry) on Apr 21, 2016 at 8:35am PDT
Oh hold on—is this what that strange pink juice in the IKEA restaurant is made from? I'd sort of assumed it was just a diluted form of whatever chemical dye the Swedish furniture emporium use to get all those rag rugs the precise shade of hospital magenta.
Here's to #longweekend #roadtrips (shot for @brookdalehydro cookbook ) #foodphotographer #foodshoot #healthy #snacks to hit the rd with. #nz #roadtripping A photo posted by Vanessa Lewis (@vanessalewis) on Apr 21, 2016 at 9:12pm PDT
Dear food stylists, never change. Never ever change.