If there's something strange in your salad, who you gonna call?
That question has been deeply plaguing us, ever since we heard the altogether terrifying tale of a Wyoming woman who alleges she was the unsuspecting owner of a "possessed" bottle of salad dressing. In fact, at this very moment, we are pouring countless resources into tracking down both Ray Parker Jr. and Max von Sydow to aid us in this ever-pressing query.
Our metaphysical spirit quest began after local news reported that a Wyoming woman named Divel McLean said her Dorothy Lynch brand dressing exploded when she was preparing a meal at a friend's house.
"I heard pop, pop, pop. I looked up, it was possessed. It was going crazy. It was shooting up in the air, to the side," McLean told Fox19. "It sounded like a firecracker going off in the house."
Unbeknownst to McLean, a voluntary recall of Dorothy-Lynch brand dressing had been in place since May of this year; the company said a bacteria was causing gas bubbles to form in sealed bottles, and foam or spew out when the bottles are opened by unwitting salad lovers, like McLean.
McLean says she immediately took pictures of the salad dressing bottle to prove that the otherworldly incident actually occurred: "Well, it's hard to explain, I was attacked by a bottle of salad dressing. [My friend] probably thought I was in the whiskey or something."
So, will McLean be subjecting herself to the demonic and demented nature of Dorothy Lynch salad dressing any time soon? "From the depths of my toes to the top of my head, I will never eat Dorothy Lynch again. That stuff is crazy," she exclaimed.
In fact, she is now alleging that the rogue dressing caused $2,500 in damages and that dressing sprayed onto the carpet, the walls, a computer, and her dress.
For its part, Dorothy Lynch provided MUNCHIES with a statement that said in part: "Tasty Toppings continues to work to resolve the product quality issues that caused our voluntary recall announced in May. It has come to our attention that some recently released batches of Dorothy Lynch Home Style Dressing may still be affected. We issued a limited quality withdrawal."
McLean's overall takeaway from the bone-chilling ordeal? "If you do [buy Dorothy Lynch Dressing], open it outside. Give your kids something to play with."
We're glad to know that the dressing isn't so "crazy" that McLean would deprive her children the wondrous gift of playing with a "possessed" bottle of salad dressing. Oh, the unbridled joy!
And if anyone knows where Eleven is, tell her to head to Wyoming, stat.