It seemed like eons ago that we were caught in the bloody, exhausting struggle to get the taco and burrito emojis we knew we deserved. But now that we're fully taking those for granted and using them far less than we promised we would, it's time for us to shift our attentions, once again, to what we don't have. At least when it comes to emojis.
Unicode, overlord of universal emoji, is ready to once again bestow upon us a new wave of wordless communication, even more tiny illustrations to send to each other when drunk or unable to convey our emotions using written language.
Ready for the rundown of what's to come in the 9.0 update?
For all of the mustachioed lumbersexuals stuck in a 2009 New York Times thinkpiece about Brooklyn, bacon and whiskey emojis will finally be here—the bacon in the form of two sizzling strips, the whiskey on the rocks. The bacon will pair well with the new stack-of-pancakes and egg emojis, for all your breakfast slam abbreviation needs. There's also a set of clinking Champagne glasses, in case the clinking beer stein emoji always struck you as a little lowbrow.
For the health nuts, there are carrot, avocado, and salad emojis. There's also a potato, which seems a little opaque in terms of its possible uses. Maybe if you desperately need to express that you're craving a Hasselback?
Sorry we've been quiet today. We've been busy thinking of all the ways to use the potato emoji in our future tweets. pic.twitter.com/9yMf9er2w6
— Marc Jacobs (@marcjacobs) June 2, 2016
However, there is no mystery as to the role of the pickle/cucumber emoji. After all, few people have sent the eggplant emoji as a request for, you know, baba ganoush. Thanks for an alternative visual euphemism for a dick, Unicode! (Though let's be real—there are some men whose assets would be better symbolized by the carrot.)
There's finally going to be a pickle emoji, wonder if it will unseat the eggplant as the preferred pseudo phallus — & (@calamityjamie_) June 1, 2016
Bout to send yo girl the purple pickle emoji
— Eddie is 5'13 (@HoopsOverHoes_) June 2, 2016
A kiwi will be right there waiting for you if you need to symbolize hairy green fruit without bothering to type all four letters of "k-i-w-i"—and maybe as a nod to New Zealanders.
The egg, peanut, and shrimp emojis are more practical than they may seem at first; all three are common allergens, and emojis have been discussed by researchers as a practical means of identifying ingredients or potential contaminants in food in a universal way.
But hell, feel free to express your love of garlic shrimp or Benedicts with them, too.
when the new emoijis come all I will need is the egg emoji. egg has all emotions. egg is powerful. egg — shan |-/ (@undercoversivan) June 3, 2016
Now for the international foodstuffs. The French get the croissant and a baguette, while the Spanish get what appears to be a paella. There's also a "stuffed flatbread" that looks like all kinds of late-night, face-stuffing fare; perhaps a döner or falafel. You'd think Berlin street food fanatics would be pleased, but some find the lack of German sausage in the update very conspicuous.
— Tom Barfield (@tombarfield) June 3, 2016
Can someone give me a legit reason as to why there's not a sausage emoji? — Andy Smart (@djcolatron) June 2, 2016
But come on guys—there's no sausage because it would render the eggplant (and now the pickle) obsolete. Offering a sausage emoji is inching dangerously close to including a straight-up penis emoji, and ain't no woman got time to deal with all of the unwanted texts that that would inevitably inspire.
Oh, and there's a glass of water emoji. After all, hydration is crucial. But hey, so are croissants. Throw them all in the new shopping cart emoji and call it a group text.