Though I was beyond exhausted, hungry and dehydrated, I had more fun in the hospital waiting room at five in the morning than I thought I would.
I was 100 percent too nervous to read any of that hospital paperwork in my partner's hand. I still have it and I still haven't.
I think the look in my eyes reveals how fucked up on morphine I am. Getting up was never really a question at this point, but I couldn't even if I'd tried.
I'm used to feeling really strong. I work out a lot and pride myself on being self-sufficient. I found it hard to feel powerful when my lifeline was essentially this hole in my arm.
I threw out those socks in a Percocet-induced haze, and I miss them. That machine is called a wound vac and it pumps blood out of surgical zones. On the first day there was a lot of blood going through that hose.
The hospital stay was pretty sterile, and I was on a whole lot of pain killers most of the time. Thanks to those around me, I had some genuine moments of fun during my stay.
One of the first few moments after all the dressings and packing had been removed. I wanted to be more excited but was in too much pain to be that happy. I can be happy now, but was sad the pain took some of that moment away.
Those bruises were not fun, and I still have a few hints of them as I'm writing this. No, the doctor didn't punch me throughout the surgery—this just happens.
Sometimes we don't get to choose who will be around us in our most intimate moments.
Sometimes we do.
This is the backyard I grew up playing and running around in, and this was my first real trip outside after the procedure. It was the first day that really felt like spring. Feeling the sun on my face the first time made me forget the difficulty I had just standing.
It took a while before my partner could hold me like this. It's a unique struggle to not be able to show affection in the ways you are used to, but it forced us to build our relationship in new directions, and gave us tools we still use today.
After over a month of hospital gowns and sweatpants, I'm excited to be back to wearing my clothes again, because each piece makes me happy for a different reason.
I didn't wear make up for two months. I'm still getting used to putting it on and what I look like with it.
Two months ago I would not have been able to hold this position long enough to take a photo.