Welcome to RATED AND SLATED, the column that is terminally online so you don’t have to be.
Finally, here’s a clanker I can relate to. The Russian robot that was filmed in a tech store trying to “attack” a customer truly reminds me of myself. And not just in the way he flails around helplessly, makes a complete spectacle of himself, and never really hits the target.
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No, I mean, doesn’t this clip (which has had 32.3 million views on X) feel a little bit staged? Oh, look, a bad actor comes along looking for a reaction, and, naturally, the helpless humanoid starts thrashing around just as it’s been programmed to. We’ve all been this machine, stuck in a loop, acting out while everyone else watches.
Well, get the fight music ready. I’m switching into combat mode yet again:
RATED
SADIE SINK’S CALVIN KLEIN ADVERT
Good thing X added Community Notes to clear up confusion over whether an ad for jeans starring 24-year-old Sadie Sink is, in fact, child porn. I was worried that, in the bio-fascist police state, the only way to avoid being labeled a pedophile would be to have a partner who was kept in suspended animation from birth until the age of consent so, technically, they were never even underage. Of course, the existence of giant test-tube babies like this would be one explanation for why the whole world seems stuck in a state of arrested development.
SENECA STREET LIQUOR
The Stoic philosopher Seneca would’ve loved this video of the theme song for a liquor store in Wichita, Kansas, that shares his name. I’ve just watched it a thousand times on repeat, thus proving his point that “it is not that we have a short time to live, but that we waste a lot of it.” Someone run me a warm bath.
PISS, THE BAND
Don’t be fooled by the hen parties and salarymen, karaoke is a deeply spiritual experience reflecting the universal human struggle, which is why, tonight, I will be performing “time loop at hot slit” by PISS. It’s apt that karaoke literally translates as “empty orchestra” because the room quickly clears as I scream, sob, and urinate all over myself like a true Zen master. Presumably, they’ve all gone to preorder a copy of the Vancouver noise band’s debut record, you made me / skin on linen. Meanwhile, I’m banned from yet another bar, so I won’t get to see Dave and Susan duetting on “Somebody That I Used to Know”.
DANNY BOYLE’S INK
Okay, this story is “the truth” for once: my friend used to work at The Sun, and just after the London 2012 opening ceremony, a new reporter was sent to knock on Danny Boyle’s door but figured it was the wrong address when this “old guy in a dressing gown” answered. Turns out, it was the great British director, but this hapless hack mistakenly thought he was meant to be paying a call on the Scottish comedian Frankie Boyle. He never lived that one down. Anyway, Danny’s finally getting his revenge here with a new movie about the British paper famed for its many mistakes and misdemeanors. He’s gonna make them remember the name.
slATED
JIMMY DONALDSON’S COLD, DEAD BARS
Paging Jonatan Leandoer: you need to come and collect your father, Mr. Lean, as he is disgracing himself publicly with this beastly attempt at rap. Talent is genetic, so you might want to order a paternity test while you’re at it.
“INCREDIBLY WATCHABLE AI SITCOMS”
The only way anyone could find this “incredibly watchable” would be if they’d had their eyes scratched out by an actual bad cat. That would be more thrilling than anything the unpleasant creature with micro-bangs does in this AI sitcom. Honestly, I never want to see this again, so I’ve rubbed my face in the litter tray, and now, stinking of piss, I’m going to go and taunt the neighborhood stray until he sinks his claws into my retinas.
GETTING MISTAKENLY SERVED FULLY CAFFEINATED COFFEE INSTEAD OF DECAF
I’ve been a victim of the same mix-up while using the coffee machine at home too, but at least it helps me stay awake and write these jokes.
GETTING AI PSYCHOSIS FROM YOUR TOOTHBRUSH
Sure, Dyson’s $499 AI toothbrush might have a 100,000-pixel macro-lens camera that takes 28 images per second and a precision jet that fires mouthwash directly into the gaps between your teeth, but can it be turned into a shank? If I ever end up in prison, I’ll heat it up with a lighter, set a razor blade into the melted plastic, and poke anyone who questions the cut of my orange jumpsuit. Hopefully, it won’t come to this, and the legal defense of “my toothbrush told me to do crimes” will stand up in court.
“WE IN THE BLACK SITE / WE IN THE BLACK SITE”
I’ve spoken with the CIA, and they’ve confirmed that they are playing this to detainees as we speak—and that the real reason the trial of alleged 9/11 mastermind Khalid Sheikh Mohammed had to be delayed is that he loves it so much he’s refusing to leave his cell and has built a little shrine to Sexyy Red out of Styrofoam cups and toenail clippings. Turns out, there are worse things than the death penalty after all.
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