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Sex

Gays or Girls?

Men have simple sexual needs. They want to cum. That's about it.
December 1, 2005, 12:00am

Photos by James Stafford

THE RULES

The safeguards were made to prevent giving the suckees a clue to the sucker's gender.

Our female sucker was given orders not to make any erotic moaning noises and to keep her expensively painted and lengthy fingernails away from the shafts. Ewww.

Our male sucker had his face freshly shaved and was not allowed to whimper things like, "Ooh, your cock is divine" in his manly French baritone. Again: Ewww.

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Round One

First up was Rick in his stained, gray shell-suit trousers. As soon as he popped through the hole, Daniel moved in for the kill, lapping away excitedly at Rick's trunk as if the reputation of every gay man in the world depended on it.

After 10 floppy minutes of Daniel's best efforts, Rick's dick was still quite shy of the promised eight-and-a-half inches.

Just before he pulled out, he told us, "To be completely truthful, it's not the best I've ever had. But it wasn't the worst either."

It was obvious to all present that these were just words of kindness and encouragement for poor Daniel, who seemed genuinely confused by his inability to stir the snake.

Time to move on to mouth two.

After struggling to get the condom on his flaccid member, we encouraged Rick to just put it through the hole au naturel. Avalon sprung into action with a condom ready to roll on with her mouth. She made his dick disappear and within a minute, it was growing in her mouth at an alarming rate. Her effortless glide- and-lick technique impressed all present, most importantly Rick, who, in between murmuring and closing his eyes, told the judges: "Can I just say something? I think this is the male. This one's a lot better than the first one."

A minute later, he filled his condom with jets of hot gay spunk and Avalon leaped to her feet and punched the air like a lottery winner.

Result: Womankind 1, Gay Men 0.

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Round Two

Sam prepped by jerking off behind the glory booth to a copy of Maxim. "It can take me up to an hour to cum sometimes, but I can always get my dick hard in a matter of minutes," he told us.

Daniel sunk to his knees while blindfolded Sam shuffled his wobbling sword into the glory hole. Our disheartened gay friend got to work immediately, this time using teeth, spit, face rubbing and the "licking down the side" technique that he learned in the "nightclub toilets of Brighton."

It soon became apparent that this rough lick-and-tickle technique wasn't doing the business, as Sam started to become droopy. He looked around the room as if desperately seeking a way out.

"I think I'll give No. 2 a go, please," he pleaded. "This one is very rough."

Fearing that the contest was already over, we decided to tip the scales and add a handicap—we told Avalon to give Sam the worst blowjob she could. She dallied around with his cock like an Iraqi prisoner of war forced to suck his best friend off for the pleasure of American troops. Still, though, Sam's member responded immediately. This was turning into a bloodbath.

Drunk on her success and given the nod to go in for the kill, Avalon sunk to her knees and showed off the smooth yet firm deep-throat technique that wowed Rick so much. Within a couple of minutes, Sam's features had relaxed and he gazed into the ceiling while telling us, "This one is a lot more sensual. Umm, uh, that's important, when you're, uh, doing a thing like this."

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Just to be 100% sure, we gave Daniel a last chance to uphold his reputation. Sam still wasn't feeling his efforts.

"No," he sighed. "I like the vigor of this, but I definitely prefer the other." With that, Avalon took over and brought the young man to an intense, shuddering climax.

Result: Womankind 2, Gay Men 0.

So that's that—girls suck better cock than gays. It's a good thing, too, because if men had continued to waste their precious seed inside other men, the human race could have ended up extinct within, say, 2,000 years.

QUENTIN GONZABLE