I have lived in New York for two weeks and been hit on by exactly two people. One was a homeless man who hangs out on 14th street who started banging on the window of McDonalds to offer me a cigarette. I gave him a Zippo lighter and we bonded over a shared love of McDonalds, mine for the double cheeseburgers and his for the warmth/bathroom. The second was a pimp named Flow, who I met while stumbling down the street during CMJ, and who now constantly texts me to meet up with him at different nightclubs in the Bronx. You can figure out which one by the presence of his parked car, whose license plate reads "YumGirls."I started wondering if there were any normal guys here that didn't already have a girlfriend, or more realistically, boyfriend, so I figured I would check out the internet's centerpiece of stability/normalcy, Craigslist, to see what I could find. My post was 99 percent in the spirit of fucking around, but if someone hot answered it wasn't like I was going to turn them away (spoiler alert: No one hot answered). Instead the replies have shown me that every New York man on the internet looks like a some type of rapist/pedophile and absolutely no one knows how to spell.
One of my first replies was from this guy, email address Toptopdolla@aol.com. Having an AOL email address is about as much of a warning sign as duct tape and rope in the trunk of someone's car. I think he might be the only one still left on the aol server, along with my mom who doesn't realize that AOL isn't the internet, and my long abandoned 6th grade screenname CheerChk31.
Next up was Pascal, who possibly had the creepiest message of all."Hello princess,I know, talking to someone unknown through the net seems a bit frustrating. It's not
physical and I can't describe my character, my feelings and my personallity in all shapes.
I am a charming, cultivated and loyal man who is inte-
rested to meet up with you for a dinner and maybe to share life and the same duvet in the
end. I am a good cooker, even if I am single :-) and a great masseur as well.Life is short, soooooo, break the rules, forgive quickly, kiss slowly, love truly, laugh
uncontrollably and never regret anything that make us smile! Kisses, Pascal"It sounds like Pascal learned all his English phrases from a high school girl's facebook profile, so I think I will keep my duvet cover to myself.
OMG, I'm going to have nightmares about waking up next to this guy in his Old Navy performance fleece zip up and hemp necklace for the next week."i also go to clubs dance house break all that good sh*t holla at me if u wanna chill my friends call me musto but my names jason. im puerto-rican/spanish/french 5"5 175 lbs and im down for what ever when ever. i got a car so a ragtop chrysler seabring. let me know if u wanna hang out"This guy didn't have a picture, but he knows how to impress the ladies with his Chrysler Sebring.
"I will treat you as queen im college teacher science i residein gravesend brooklyn im cute i guess haha im wealthy sugardaddy"I'm not sure why a wealthy sugar daddy would rely on a grainy webcam that makes its pictures look like they were taken in 1993 in an Eastern European basement. Maybe not buying good cameras is how he built up his wealth.
This guy left me his phone number, but forgot to mention what days he would be on tour with Nickelback.
Does anyone know what this guy is holding? I can't figure it out. He claimed to live in Brooklyn, but I get the feeling he's actually in rural Kentucky in one of those houses with too much crap on the porch. Oh shit, I just noticed the childrens' magnetic easel behind him.
This kid told me he would "love to party with me." Something tells me he would squeal like a girl if Ashton Kutcher announced his involvement in a Dude Where's My Car sequel.
There are so many things wrong with the fact this guy sent me this picture. The baby blue and white adidas track suit. The fact he is all up on some cross-eyed slut. I can practically see the roofies entering the girl's bloodstream as this picture was taken.So I've still had no luck, and now just have to deal with an inbox filled with hundreds of emails from almost every person who immigrated to the U.S. in the last 5 years. Maybe I just need to be patient? Or else maybe me and McDonald's homeless man were just meant to be.BRITTANY G
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physical and I can't describe my character, my feelings and my personallity in all shapes.
I am a charming, cultivated and loyal man who is inte-
rested to meet up with you for a dinner and maybe to share life and the same duvet in the
end. I am a good cooker, even if I am single :-) and a great masseur as well.
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uncontrollably and never regret anything that make us smile! Kisses, Pascal"It sounds like Pascal learned all his English phrases from a high school girl's facebook profile, so I think I will keep my duvet cover to myself.




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