The focus on fashion in this general election is absurd. The media seem to have given up on boring stuff like policy and instead have become concerned primarily with which politician and their wife are best at playing the celebrity game. If the Tories win, William Hague (not to be confused with Babylon 5's General William Hague), the plain-speaking Yorkshireman, child prodigy and judo master, is set to be the second most powerful politician in the land. Few, however, have considered the man's unique sense of style to be worthy of comment. Until now.Tweed is, of course, every true English teenager's seduction super-magnet for nailing dollybirds to the wall. Let's face it, nothing says "fuck the three-day week and the man from the Coal Board - let's tug each other's pissparts until we jizz our way to four successive election victories" quite like tweed. And what could offset a tweed jacket more than a tweed tie? Nothing. This is clearly an early-promise moment flagging up Hague as a future fashion leader. More importantly: who's the babe on the left?Forget Sam Cam's £150 Smythson diaries. Forget Sarah Brown's Chanel suit. What those dim slags should have done was put their own name on a baseball cap. Then put their own name on everyone else's baseball caps too, just to show them who's boss. After all, that's what Dolce & Gabbana did. It worked for them. It worked for Hague. 'Nuff said.Nice tie. Not so sure about the Emily Maitlis backpack, though. Accesorise with care, folks.Compare and contrast: on one side, a crisp, pin-neat charcoal suit, cut to emphasise the shoulders and draw the eye away from the hip. On the other side, a fashion IED. Total travesty. Shapeless one-piece jumpsuit? Check. Nineties camo look? Check. Rolled-up sleeves like you're in a-ha or something? Check. Face it, lad, you've just been fashion-owned by William Hague. Soz.Ouch. William Wilberforce freed the slaves, but even he'd have wanted to clap his future biographer in irons and transport him outtahere as indentured labor if he caught him wearing THAT shirt ever again. William, don't be fooled into thinking you have to buy things in Primark because they're "on sale." There's often a very good reason why they can't flog them at full price, dumbass.Look into my ties. Not around my ties--into my ties. You are getting sleepy, very sleepy. When I snap my fingers you will vote to privatise British Rail and secure an opt-out clause on the Maastricht Treaty's Social Chapter. One. Two. Three. Why, Will's hypnotic tie would make even Derren Brown go squiffy around the irises. Some day, all Tories will take a leaf out of his tie-rack. It's tie-die for.Much better. Much. Much, much better. Give us a hand, Will: I've got ten million postal votes to squeeze through your letterbox, all sealed with a kiss…GAVIN HAYNES
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