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Vice Blog

NEW YORK - LET'S DO THIS!

Have you noticed how everyone is bitching about something this summer? It's either, "It's too rainy!" or "My favorite celebrity hung himself with pantyhose!" If you are into obsessively checking blog posts on the weekend like I am, I mean really going to work on refreshing and refreshing and refreshing until you get sweaty and nauseous with self-hatred, you will also notice that aside from a general lack of fun, a great deal of people are out there bleeding into their waistbands over a broken heart of some sort. Now, we all know how great it is to make fun of the people we're dating, bitch about how caged we feel during the duration of the relationship, and then do the Charlie Brown shrug dance all over town once we are inevitably no longer by their side. But what happens if you decide to try to get that object of mental and physical anguish back? Follow the steps below and your Facebook will say "In a Relationship" again in no time.

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1. Let's say that you lived with the person who you were dating and spent the majority of your co-habitation time together acting like they were sucking your life force out of the top of your head as you slept. You would, from time to time, tell them that you'd rather sleep on the roof than have to feel their hot breath on your neck for one more night, and then eventually you signed a lease on a new place and told them about it afterwards in a casual manner. No need to dwell on past mistakes!! Now that your beloved has had a few months or so to get over this while couch surfing on a wave of tears in a different state, give them a call and invite them over to your new place for pizza! I'm sure they would love to see you, and this would give you the opportunity to show off how you've decorated the place. You can gesture to things saying, "See, this is how it should have looked before," and they will catch the drift that you have really matured over the summer. Tell them that "some girl you're dating" recommended the pizza place where you got your meal. This will show them that you are taking an interest in fine dining.

2. One thing that's really important to do during the grieving process of a love that has ended is to really focus on yourself to figure out what you did wrong, so that you don't repeat the same mistakes. Communication is important too, so each time you think of something having to do with you, the relationship, how you're cutting yourself again, etc., make sure to email it posthaste to your ex. You could start with a message like, "I just threw all of your shit into the garbage, and now I'm masturbating to your Youtube videos!" And then five minutes later, follow up with, "I don't understand why you're not talking to me. I hate you!" They will appreciate knowing that you are out there thinking about them. Seal the deal by texting something sweet right before bed. Something like, "You better not be wearing that underwear I bought you for anyone else. I emailed your mom today. I love you so much."

3. Common sense will tell you that sooner or later, the person who you are holding a candle for (is that even the expression? lighting a flame for? whatever) will eventually start dating someone else. You cannot let this happen. Start up a regime of daily investigations on their blog, Facebook, Twitter, email account (if you're able), and at the first sign of someone else, express your concern by saying that they're fat. If you see a picture of some stranger on their blog, just immediately email the object of your affection and say, "I've seen the picture. Your new girlfriend is fat." And then post a bunch of pictures of yourself on YOUR blog looking not fat.

These things might not work right away, but you need to persist. I guarantee that after a month or so, you will start to find clues on your love's blog that will be the proof you have been looking for. That post they made about corn muffins? Underneath the little ceramic bunny? You were right in thinking that was for you. You won!

KELLY MCCLURE