Dos & Don'ts

Rolling on E can be a bit of a bummer if you’re not the center of attention and nobody wants to make out with you. But when you’re the master of ceremonies and you’re lying there like a Native American Thor with at least three viable pussy options, nothing is better.

It’s hard to place what is so rad about this girl (Puerto Rican birthday clown not withstanding) but the way she combines haute couture and nerd-at-a-sleepover makes you want to start a TV show where you two travel around the world fucking with people.

When you’re a 10 it’s best to pull back on the accessories and just go like, one lipstick punch, one New York shirt and then back off. When you have too much shit on you it’s like Batman calling Robin a homo. It’s just mean.

See what I mean? This is dirty pool. All that gold shit on top of those knee high boots is a huge fuck off to all the 6s and 7s that are in there trying their best.

The bag is a bit fag but how about the way this guy made Interpol into a mod version of a soccer hooligan? Like all the grimy after hours clubs of New York mixed with the dry wit and superior education of North London.

Getting Asian chicks is easy but when you’re an Asian guy, getting white chicks can be a hassle. Sometimes the only way to do it is to come on real strong and brave and basically insist that every woman you see kisses your ass.

In a world where every anus with access to a magazine is wearing stressed denim and a silkscreened blazer, it’s nice to see guys go out on a limb and rock homeless golf pirate and 14th Century swashbuckler in a giant piece of lint.

Just when you think the whole city is one big jaded mess of self-conscious dipshits that are too cool to care, a cute couple like this comes along and makes trying okay. Not trying too hard, but just enough to have a good time.

Looking sexy is just various combinations of being relatively nude. If the outfits already been done a few times other girls will call you a slut, but if you can throw this over that shoulder, cut these almost up your ass and let some tits come crawling out in a new way, you get to give out boners scorn free.

Tuxedo shirts are a get out of jail free card for any girl in the world—even incredibly attractive ones in short shorts that are red with exhaustion and covered in sweat.

“Hey Dad, thanks for teaching me all about multiculturalism and diversity and how groovy it is being real. I am having a great time here in South Chicago and I’m meeting a lot of new friends. You were right, black people are more in tune with soul culture and they do seem to have an intrinsic beat. And man, talk about libido. I can barely keep up! Anyhoo, not exactly sure why you and mom keep crying on the phone but I’ll come back home eventually. PS: Black Power!”

Dancers are about the worst people on earth. They’re always writhing around like someone’s fucking them in the ass and when they dance they “dance like no one is watching” which is embarrassing because we are.

Look at this giant cherry toe nail. What is she a Chris De Burgh song? The worst part about retarded bitches like this is they have no clue what a huge fucking DON’T they are.

Hey Charlie Brown. Your balloonhead may want to send a memo to your legs and feet telling them you’re not a premie anymore and it’s time to start growing.

That twee candy cuddle thing is kind of acceptable when you’re a pair of 13 year-old Japanese girls here on vacation but when you’re 30 year old alcoholics it starts to leave the land of Strawberry Shortcake and bleed into raver bag lady junk hag.

Can we have a moratorium on these stupid slut lower back tattoos please? Especially when they look like they were done in prison and they’re spread across your muffin top like a drunk guy graffiti’d it there when you were passed out.

What is this guy, a Mad magazine drawing of a retard that deals coke? You almost expect real coke dealers to shove him and go, “Are you fucking making fun of me?”

The baggy shirt over the tight legging thing is for fat Jewish moms that are trying to use smoke and mirrors to convince you they are not just another pig on a stick. Pointy flats are the summer version, Uggs are the winter version, and you are grossing us out about thirty years earlier than you need to.

Big cities need Paki nerds because they are the only ones smart enough to run the place. Unfortunately, when these horny lightweights are let loose upon the nightlife they come off like spastic babies at a nipple convention. Take it easy on the wodka tonics there Rajiv, you’re “going bazookas.”

Just when you think you’re not living in the low income housing section of St. Louis, two white trash furry pencils walk by and seem to whisper, “Dude, are you still living here? What the fuck are you doing? Do you honestly want to spend the rest of your life in this shithole? Get the fuck out of here and start your life.”