FYI.

This story is over 5 years old.

Vice Blog

VANCOUVER - COCK SNOBS

To the boys reading this, on the off chance you didn't know: girls discuss everything about how you fuck. Especially when beer or hard liquor is involved. Sowwy. When girls get together and have giggle parties it all comes out - technique, timing, the faces you made, the weird things you said, if you grunt like a little pot-bellied pig, and how you measured up. In size. They even do that size-approximation thing with their hands the way men'll talk about a fish they caught, like, 'It was about yay big.' Increasingly, I've noticed a trend among women; both strangers and friends alike. Many of them are fancying themselves as penis connoisseurs. They refer to themselves as cock snobs and will flat out discriminate against men who aren't at least above average. I decided to talk to a couple of self-proclaimed cock snobs and explore this exciting new trend as an impartial journalist. I just like this kind of hard-hitting news.

Advertisement

Vice: Dr. Oz on Oprah says the average size of a penis is five inches, which is what, the size of a pinkie? Are you going to argue with the most powerful woman in the world's doctor? He also says in relation to the rest of the animal kingdom, five inches is really big because humans don't have a bone in their penis.

Cock Snob #1: I'm not fucking animals.

Cock Snob #2: Dr. Oz obviously has a three inch cock. Because he thinks five inches is average. He's been convincing his wife for the last 25 years that that's big.

So do you have a technique to check out the goods?

1: Oh yeah, it's called the Swipe By or the Drive By. Say you're with somebody and you're hooking up but you haven't decided if you're going to go all the way. So you just sort of mess around a little bit and then you pretend to scratch your leg so you can get a feel to see if you wanna go further. If not, you roll over and go to sleep.

2: My ex-boyfriend was trained by his previous girlfriend not to rub against her. He had it hidden between his legs and he'd keep his bottom away from me when we were making out. So I had to be like, 'Rub it on! Push it into me, don't be scared.'

Have there been any times when it's been too late? When things got out of hand before you'd had a chance to do a Swipe By?

2: There was this guy I had tension with for a while. One night he dropped me off, and he called me right afterwards and asked if I wanted him to come back, and I said yes. He came over and we got to it right away. And then when he took off his pants it was the smallest dink I'd ever seen in my life. It was like two thumbs put together. It was rock hard and it was not getting any bigger. I had to pity fuck him.

Advertisement

1: I actually had sex with a small penis guy one time and I don't do anal, but I ended up doing anal.

What about guys who know they're small but are ready to compensate in other ways?

1. That means they just won't get laid in my book.

So what would happen if everything was there - chemistry, good looks, sense of humour, wasn't a skid, owned  a home and a cabin on an island somewhere desirable and an iPhone but no big wang. Then what?

1: Are we talking average? Like, according to Dr. Oz average?

2. If I'm not walking funny afterwards, it's not worth it. If it's all there except for the size, we become friends. I need to be satisfied for the rest of time.

Does your heart sink a little?

2: Yes.

1: No. I'm just turned off.

I'm sure some people would assume this is all a power thing and that you were touched inappropriately by a person you were meant to trust at some point in your life. What would your response be?

1: No, I just have a really huge vagina. It's 'cause I've had ten kids. I'm a surrogate. It's not a power thing.

So what if there was a guy who only did chicks with tight V's and yours was considered too loose.

2: He obviously only does Asians.

1: You can do keegals or do the rejuvenation surgery.

2: I'm not getting my pussy rejuvenated. My pussy's nice.

So there's no wiggle room. No big cock, no entry into your vagina? Bottom line?

1: It has to be above average. And I'm talking six inches, that's always been the average penis size. I don't know how it's gone down an inch. And with all the hormones in meat and stuff?

2: There's a cock for every vagina and those small ones aren't for us.

That's really romantic. So. To summerize. Magnums are a girl's best friend.

1. If you use condoms.

ELIANNA LEV