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DICKHEADZ 4.5 - OL' GRUMPY TITS

Hi everyone. Dickheadz #5 is coming soon, I promise. It's just that it's gonna be a big one, with cupcakes and psycho bums and fat kids and more. So to hold you over 'til then, here's a quick mini-dickheadz. Consider it "fun-size."

During stints of unemployment, I spend most of my time in supermarkets, contemplating cereal. Other than that and general slacking, I go to the gym during the day, when the female locker room is largely occupied by squawking elderly women shuffling around in the nude and talking shit.

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Freshly dismissed from a job (

full details in DHz #5!

), I was at the gym and on my way out of the locker room, head down. It must have been fate that I suddenly looked up, because when I did, I was met with a gem:

Sitting cross-legged on a bench, back against the lockers, was a woman in her 50s or thereabouts with strands of stringy black hair hanging in her face. She had thick brows bristling over inky eyes, rubbery fish-lips, and multiple chins. Age-appropriately dumpy with a pair of enormous, droopy breasts, her torso was hunched and folded into loaves of flab that tumbled into her lap.

This was all on very clear display because save for a pair of small, black panties, this woman was completely and unabashedly nude. Not an uncommon sight in a ladies' locker room, sure, but she also happened to be soaking wet. Just totally, sopping wet and dripping, with pools collecting at her feet—and she didn't give a fuck. At least this is the vibe that I got because she also looked

pissed

. She was looking sour. Unimpressed. She was nude and drenched and looking around at all the other ladies with a sneering scowl hung smugly on her mean, wet face—all while slowly taking bites out of a sandwich.

I was stunned. I was like, no. effin. way. Not because she was so naked, or even because she was that wet, but because of the sandwich. This woman had stepped out of the shower, strolled across the locker room, sat her ass down and thought, Screw all you bitches, lunch first. I could barely contain myself as I left—these are the moments I live for. I would be nothing without people like this. So I was pumped.

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I thought for sure that it was a one-time thing, but then I saw her again the next week. Everything was the same: she was buck naked, soaking wet, looking pissed off and, yes, eating a sandwich. What?

Twice

? This was too good!

And then I saw her

again

. And again, and again, every single Thursday. As long as I showed up at the same time, I could count on seeing a totally nude, dripping, and pissed-off looking woman eating a sandwich. I became convinced that my life was some sort of joke.

After a while the novelty wore off. I got bored, and now when I saw her it was more like, Oh, look, it's the lady eating lunch with her tits out, looking like an asshole—again. And you know what? She was starting to make me mad. I mean, who was this surly old frump shooting dirty looks over her saggy tits? What kind of extreme sense of self-entitlement do you have to have to just sit there dripping like that all over the place? Huh? You think toweling off is for losers? What if we all sat around fat and wet and eating sandwiches? Yeah, she was making me mad.

Then one day, she wasn't eating a sandwich. It caught me off guard. Everything was the same as usual, naked, wet, etc, but she was eating

yogurt

. Just scraping that shit out of the cup and furiously shoveling it down. You can be vicious with sandwiches, but yogurt? Man, that's one of the dumbest things to eat when you're all angry and wet. That's stupid.

But the change of snack must have meant something big, because this was the last time I saw her. For a split second I felt a twinge of grief when she wasn't there the following week, only a perfectly dry section of locker room in her space. But only for a split second, because shit, good riddance. Go sit around with your tits out somewhere else, lady.

MP

If you missed the other Dickheadz, here's Erik Jackson, here's Jaspar Logan, and here's part one of a baboon, and here's its return.