WORN UNDERWEARBelieve it or not, there is a huge market for soiled underwear. Who knows what kind of people are fuelling the demand for poop-stained panties, but who cares as long as top prices are being paid for knickers worn during heavy periods, festivals, yeast infections and that one time you had a bit of an accident. This is a win-win, no-cost way for both guys and girls to make some extra cash in desperate times. Other benefits include cutting down on washing powder and increased seller status on eBay.TOMSTOMS have rapidly risen to It-shoe status for guys and girls with dreadlocks and surface piercings who spend all day arguing about climate change in vegan soup kitchens while pretending their parents don’t work as venture capitalists. TOMS even pledge that for every pair bought they will send a pair to a child in Africa who has probably never even seen a pair of shoes before, so that’s a lot of save-the-world points for people who live on granola and goji berry smoothies.MOUTHWASHIf you insist on eating badly, smoking, taking drugs, drinking alcohol and not sleeping then your gums will disintegrate. Your mouth will become a big well full of chemicals that are slowly rotting your dentures. Remember when your primary school science teacher dropped a tooth in a beaker of Coke and the tooth dissolved in ten seconds flat? It’s kind of like that. In the short term, you can stave off oral meltdown with this mouthwash. It is more brutal than any oral cleansing product we have yet experienced and while it won’t save your guts from imploding, it will keep your smile fresh and your breath passable.ONITSUKA TIGER TRAINERSEveryone needs shoes, right? Otherwise you’d have to walk around barefoot, which isn’t really acceptable unless you’re a Hare Krishna or your university happens to be in Barbados. The folks from Onitsuka Tiger sent us these simple classics the other day and we’ve been wearing them ever since. Consider them recommended.
LOYALTY CARDSIf you’re a student and you don’t use these things then you don’t deserve to be wasting the government’s money sleeping untilNeighboursis on. These cards are your way of wresting free crap from the over-priced places that you just can’t stop shopping at. Literally every establishment that sells things to humans has a loyalty card scheme these days, and as long as you have a friend working at each store that has a loyalty scheme who can fiddle your card for you, you’re guaranteed free crap for your entire university tenure.THE BUCKFAST MILEThis is kind of like a bottled fuck-you to swanky cocktail bars. As a student you’re obliged to spend your evenings completing The Buckfast Mile Challenge as opposed to spending money at any bars anywhere ever. The challenge consists of downing a litre of Buckfast on the bus from your student halls to whatever pound-a-drink indie disco you’ll inevitably end up at. Buckfast possesses such a swift and lethal process of intoxication that the BBC dedicated a documentary to its potential negative social effects.ANTIBACTERIAL HAND GELIf you’ve been in hospital recently you’ll have discovered that you are forced to wash your hands with this magical stuff every 50 paces. Hands are the single biggest spreader of germs out there, hence the hand-filth paranoia in a place where the spread of germs can be potentially lethal. Now stop and think how filthy your student house is compared to the average hospital and maybe you’ll start washing your hands with this stuff as religiously as we do. It gets bonus student points for smelling exactly like Glen’s Vodka.CO-CODAMOLAs a student, the temptation to distill codeine from co-codamol as opposed to spending all your student loan on actual drugs is ever-present. All you’ll require is one chemistry student with a working knowledge of simple filtration and some genuine scientific equipment, which can easily be “borrowed” from your university labs. You will also need to accept that it is unlikely to yield any real results but at least it will be fun pretending to be Mickey Rourke inSpun.
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