If you were thinking of cruising your way through our winter of discontent by pulling on a market knock-off Juicy Couture tracksuit, firing up the cheese toastie maker and waiting for the welfare payments to come rolling in, then think again. Those piss-on-you-bonfire-party-poopers down at Downing Street want lone parents, the long term unemployed and disabled people to stop all this lazing about at the bottom of the economic septic tank, get out there and find a job. Who cares if you haven’t worked since 1986? Who cares if your child has chronic health problems? Who cares if we’re in a recession so there are no jobs? Once your child hits 12, it’s time to take off the glove puppet, hand back the enourmous gaudy plastic toys and get yourself down to the local supermarket to beg for some soul-destroying shift-work. Hell of a birthday present, huh? Richard Tilt from the Department for Work and Pensions says the welfare plans could "push people into poverty". Well, better than off a cliff, right?Ideal jobs for the underqualified housewife of 2009Dog WalkerPros: you don’t even have to change out of your sagging velour tracksuit. Chance to meet other ex-slackers. You can take your frustration out of the dogs.
Cons: picking up shit.TV chefPros: you can take the moral highground, get your minions to do all the work, let the producer take all the wrap and you just sit back and wait for that good franchise cash.
Cons: you must regularly sleep with your waitresses to keep in the public eye.Primark seamstressPros: great staff discount, your kids can work with you
Cons: hazardous working conditions, no job security, backbreaking labour, illegal wages.Unlikely jobs for the underqualified housewife of 2009Neurosurgeon
Pros: you’ve probably watched a load of daytime medical dramas ‚Äì how different can it be? great dinner party anecdotes
Cons: ugly gowns, constant pressure, you’ll probably kill someoneRocket Scientist
Pros: the chance to reply to all those hilarious ‚Äòit’s not rocket scientist’ with the ‚Äòwell it is, actually’ putdown.
Cons: likelihood of being captured and killed by foreign dictators.Fireman
Pros: You can dress like Mariah Carey
Cons: you’re uglier than Mariah CareyWays to beat the benefit crackdownGet your kids addicted to fags at the age of eight. That way they’ll be so stunted the DSS will never realise they’re over 12.Apply for a job managing hedge funds. There aren’t any, yay!Tell your 13 year old son to go to the job interviews for you. He’s probably really annoying so will make a really shit impression.Sleep with James PurnellNELL FRIZZELL
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Cons: picking up shit.TV chefPros: you can take the moral highground, get your minions to do all the work, let the producer take all the wrap and you just sit back and wait for that good franchise cash.
Cons: you must regularly sleep with your waitresses to keep in the public eye.Primark seamstressPros: great staff discount, your kids can work with you
Cons: hazardous working conditions, no job security, backbreaking labour, illegal wages.Unlikely jobs for the underqualified housewife of 2009Neurosurgeon
Pros: you’ve probably watched a load of daytime medical dramas ‚Äì how different can it be? great dinner party anecdotes
Cons: ugly gowns, constant pressure, you’ll probably kill someoneRocket Scientist
Pros: the chance to reply to all those hilarious ‚Äòit’s not rocket scientist’ with the ‚Äòwell it is, actually’ putdown.
Cons: likelihood of being captured and killed by foreign dictators.Fireman
Pros: You can dress like Mariah Carey
Cons: you’re uglier than Mariah CareyWays to beat the benefit crackdownGet your kids addicted to fags at the age of eight. That way they’ll be so stunted the DSS will never realise they’re over 12.Apply for a job managing hedge funds. There aren’t any, yay!
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