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Vice Blog

DATING DOS & DON'TS WITH VICE THE BAND

You know VICE, right? The boy band who share not only our name, but also our lust for life and party-all-night attitude, and who were screening our calls? Well, the other day I got a phone call from their manager after she read

our blog about them

, and you know what, it was all a big misunderstanding! They

hadn't

been ignoring our calls as I claimed in the blog, and the band

would

very much like to come into the office, do a photo shoot and an interview. Marvelous news! We had asked you to text VICE to 81088 to help get the band's single to number one, but you guys failed to rise to the challenge, and although I don't look at the charts very often, I'm pretty sure "Bounce" remains a stranger to the Radio 1 countdown. However, Staz, Luke, Kevin, and Scott shouldn't feel too distraught about this, because they've got

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it

. I've seen

it

before and these four have

it

in stacks, pints, and furlongs.

These four met about a year ago on the dancing circuit and decided they'd had enough of body-popping behind Dane Bowers at the Rotherham Bluewater so they created VICE. We sat down to talk with them about their unique sense of style ("We're a little bit urban, fresh") their reasons for being in the band (50% sex, 50% music) and their sexuality (that was inconclusive). As far as we can tell, Luke (blonde, cap-wearer) is the cheekiest one, Staz (black quiff, waxed chest) is the baby, at 18, Kevin is the sensitive one who likes rock (although he can't remember what bands he likes because he's terrible with names), and Scott is the other one.

To get even deeper, we played a game of Dating Dos and Don'ts with these heart-throbs. We also took loads of righteous, funky photos of them flexing their flava.

Vice (not the band): Hi boys. Have you seen DOs and DON'Ts? It's a thing that Vice does. Staz:

Yeah, I think so.

OK. So can you just say "do" or "don't" to each question I ask, because I want to get some dating tips from you.

Would you bring flowers to a first date?

[Laddish guffaw

]

Luke:

Don't, it's too much too soon. He [Kevin] would!

Would you date your mate's sister?

[Laddish chortle

]

Kevin:

Don't.

Staz:

Do.

Luke:

Definite don't.

Would you date your mate's ex?

[Earnest laddish frowns]

All:

Don't.

Would you get a girl drunk on a date to make her more horny?

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[Cheeky laddish eyebrows are raised

]

Luke:

Do!

Kevin:

No. Don't.

If you're taking a girl to dinner, do you pay?

[Laddish decency expressed with noises of incredulity at the question]

All:

Do.

Do you find the looks of a lover more important than their character?

[Pause of laddish confusion while they try and work out the correct response]

Scot:

Initially I would say do. People who say they don't are lying. As long as I don't have to spend the rest of my life talking to this person then do.

Would you fight for a girl?

[Laddish swagger suggesting they've all done that before anyway and anyone who asks must be a weedy pervert]

All:

Do.

If you are on a first date and the girl's looking stressed, would you ask the waiter to bring over a bowl of water so you can offer to wash her hair?

[Booming laddish laughter and friendly hand-gestures]

Luke:

Yeah man, I'm going to use that now! Do people really do that?

Apparently they do it a lot in France

.

Luke:

Oh in France? OK.

If you were in a restaurant on a date, would you order a steak, cutyour food so it spelled out the word "SLAG", turn round your plate so she could read it, and point at her?

[Laddish certainty that they've got the joke

]

All:

Definitely.

Would you buy a girl a taxidermy animal as a gift?

[Laddish enthusiasm to learn new dating tips

]

Scott:

What's that?

Stuffed animals.

Scott:

Oh, OK. Do.

Do you wax?

[Big laddish lying eyes above visibly waxed lad chests]

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All:

Don't.

Would you encourage a girl to eat less so she could be more attractive?

[Internal laddish debate

]

Kevin:

Hmm, I dunno, everyone's different. Don't.

Do you take breakdance lessons?

[Laddish bemusement]

All:

Do.

Would you like to buy some stencil graffiti?

[Laddish art-appreciation faces]

All:

Do.

Do you want to learn how to snowboard?

[Laddish affront that the interviewer hasn't guessed that clearly they can all snowboard already]

All:

Do.

Do you want to snakeboard?

[Brief laddish conference about what a snakeboard is]

All:

Do.

Thanks guys!

[Laddish relief that the interview is now finished

] VICE left soon after, as they had to get to Butlins to do a show. I said I'd get them a gig at the Old Blue Last, so keep your eyes peeled, pop pickers.

WORDS: SALVADOR GNARLEY

PICTURES: JAMIE TAETE