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LEATHER DADDY TO BEAT LESBIAN IN UNCLE SAM'S HOUSE

Leather, loopholes, and the wonderful world of sensationalist US politics, through the eyes of a Canadian.

[caption id="attachment_8293" align="alignleft" width="330" caption="Image source: Chicago Reader / Photo by Saverio Truglia"]

[/caption] Being Canadian, I don't really know how American politics work, but I still read more about them than Canadian politics because they're so goddamn entertaining. The most recent bit of juicy Canadian political intrigue I can remember is "Wafergate," in which it was alleged that our Protestant Prime Minister

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pocketed a communion wafer

at a Catholic funeral. Scandal! By contrast, American politics are saucy as fuck even down at an insignificant level--especially in Illinois, where a prominent

leather daddy stands poised to come from behind and beat a lesbian

in some sort of election that is being held only for other countries' amusement. Apparently Joe Laiacona found a loophole he could use to kick a well-heeled lady out of office and that's not so juicy but it gets better. He's openly gay, a pillar of the Illinois leather community, and, as an added bonus, he's pulling this electoral stunt off against an out lesbian. Hell, he writes a popular leather column, "a sort of Ann Landers in leather," as the story goes. He's written books too--not the usual politician-penned tomes of inspiration with names like

Dreams of Hope

or

Congressional Commando

or whatever, but a book called

Philosophy in the Dungeon: The Magic of Sex & Spirit

. Sold! This sort of stuff would never fly in Canada. We can barely handle politicians who use the phrase

"fuddle-duddle."

In the States, they've got politicians who are

horny wrestlers

,

sassy mercenaries

,

Sonny Bono

, and yes,

professional fuddler-duddlers.

The very closest Canada ever came to political relevance (read: media interest) was when Prime Minister Jean Chretien

publicly choked some young guy

. To my great sadness, and as final proof that Canada is not as cool or media-savvy as America, he did not then proceed to fuck the bejesus out of him. Despite how great they are, I don't know a thing about American politics. I don't know what a "state representative" is. I don't even know the difference between Congressmen and Senators. In Canada, "Senators" are either hockey players or a bunch of people who make six figures a year because they're friends with the Prime Minister. Near as I can tell, American politics are organized to maximize the number of politicians, and thus, political scandals. It's a country where anybody can run for office, which is OK, but what's great is that everybody

does

run for office. Of course, Brazil is still

miles ahead.