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LAY OFF THE FISH

Why do lefties hate fish so much? Is it because of that Nirvana song? Is it because how we smell reminds them of vaginas? Seriously, what gives? "Pescetarians" talk about how meat is murder because factory farming is so awful for the animals and the environment and Mexicans, then they turn around and eat so much fish that the ocean is running out of cod. Do you have any idea how ridiculous it is to run out of cod? Well, it's really fucking ridiculous. When the puritans sailed into Massachusetts Bay there was practically more cod there than water. Having to slap Atlantic Cod on the endangered species list is like saying, "Oops, we almost ate every cow." You saying it, I mean, not me.

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Atlantic Cod production over the last 50 years. Source: FAO.org

Let's take a step back, though. Do you know how hard it is to eat a species to death, nevermind a full taxonomic class? So far the only animals you've managed to drive to extinction or close enough to count are ones that are fun to kill, like manatees, passenger pigeons, and bison (if you shoot them from a train). Killing fish, however, blows. It's boring, it takes forever, the people who do it for a living are awful sub-guido troggs, you always get shit all over everything when you gut us, and if you wind up sailing back into the Perfect Storm your ship goes up this towering, vertical wave then topples over backward and you die. At the very most fishing can be "relaxing," like if you're out on a canoe with a six-pack hanging off the side. But commercial fishing? The only way you could get enough willing men together to completely drain the world's oceans is by basically drowning them in money. Which is exactly what you do. To the tune of

$30 billion in fishing subsidies a year.

Go watch

End of the Line

and see how massively corrupt and overinflated the fishing industry is. They make the Texas Beef Council look like the Park Slope Co-op. Nevertheless, dipshits worldwide still feel entitled to some sort of moral high ground because they only eat seafood. You know what we call "pescetarians" down here? Hypocrisy-fags. (We say it in bubbles, though, so it sounds cute.)

Then there's the Pill. Baby Boomers still put it on a tiny, pill-sized pedestal for freeing them from the burden of learning how to properly pull out and liberating women (despite the fact that most major feminists turned against it when the health risks became clear in the 70s). Meanwhile, all the estrogenated piss you pill takers keep flushing down the toilets is turning me and my friends into

Jeffrey Euginides tranny monsters

. Now nearly half of all American bass has been so drenched in runoff hormones that they don't even belong to one gender. Thanks a lot, GD Searle & Co. By the way, when the 50th anniversary of oral contraceptives rolls around this May, can you maybe consider coming up with some alternatives instead of writing another set of gushing fluff pieces about Margaret Sanger? That bitch is our Mengele. Look, I don't know what we did to you, but it would be really appreciated down here if you got off the sanctimony-pony and stopped genociding us all over the place. Thank you.