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Meet the Nieratkos - Xmas Dud

The reality. …I am underwhelmed by my presentation. I don’t know what happened. I thought I had so many lights, so many decorations.

I’d like to take this opportunity to apologize to my wife, my child, my family, my friends, and you the readers. I have failed you all miserably. A few weeks ago, I set out to put on a spectacle of a light show with the Christmas lights on my home. I started early, I put in countless hours for two weeks, often starting at 6 AM, foregoing changing my child’s poopy diaper to decorate. I volunteered my time at my friend and inspiration’s super-duper Christmas house in hopes that he could teach me and enlighten me (next week I’ll share what I learned). I feel like I spent more time and effort on these lights than anything I’ve ever done in any area of my life before. And it is with heavy heart that I tell you…

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The inspiration. The reality. …I am underwhelmed by my presentation. I don’t know what happened. I thought I had so many lights, so many decorations. I put in over 80 hours getting to the point where I was ready to flip the switch and when I finally did, my lawn looked like it was pitch black. Like there are no lights at all. I don’t know what the hell I did wrong. I don’t know how I screwed this up, but I did. There is no denying that. I blew it. I want to cry. My wife says it looks, “Nice”. Nice wasn’t my goal. She says it can be seen from outer space. She is a kind woman who lies to me to make me feel better. But I know. I know it’s shit. All I can do is try and buy a lot more lights this year on December 26th, when everything goes on sale and make sure I do not fail as miserably next year. The real shame of it all is that I was riding a Christmas high leading up to flipping the switch. The Sunday before my mega-fail, we went to the mall and shot what I believe to be our best Christmas card yet. It is more absurd than ever before. I personally like how the mall Santa is barely visible. And of course Lonald as Batman is just fantastic. By Monday morning, I had the cards printed; On Tuesday, they were mailed; Thanksgiving Thursday, I put in nine hours on my law, and Friday… I shit the bed. My lights were a dud. I’m not sure quite what else to say or when I’m going to get over this. I generally don’t fail. Or rather, when I do, I ignore it. But this hurts. I feel like taking a baseball bat to it all. Sidenote: If you’re in LA this Saturday, come to this porn event. Somehow I got roped into auctioning off some of my porn star friends to help AIM (the company that does the STD testing in the porn industry, and they’re in financial trouble and are in risk of going out of business. If that happens, the porn industry will become the STD Wild Wild West. Gross out). So come by and have a drink with me, because I have no idea how to auction humans off and I also hate public-speaking. (Wow. I might shit the bed twice in one week.) Another sidenote: My amigro/ex-pro skater Jereme Rogers made this amazing rap video for your enjoyment. Enjoy. CHRIS NIERATKO For more stupid, go to Chrisnieratko.com