It Turns Out Shoving Kinder Eggs Full of Heroin Up Your Butt Is a Bad Idea

This article originally appeared on VICE UK

Banner month for people shoving drugs up their nastiest bits to hide them from the police. Banner, banner month. A reminder: we recently learned of a man in Swindon who shoved seven grams of cocaine up his dick (up his dick!), presumably in that dark crevice between the foreskin and the meat. But still I don't understand precisely how—I mean, seven grams! Seven fucking grams! Up your dick! And now, to Liverpool, where they are shoving Kinder Eggs full of heroin up their asses for fun and for profit:

Yes I have some questions, officer:

i. What kind of dude has £25,000 [$33,000] lying around for cannabis and heroin and then gets the train to Plymouth? Like, get a hire car my boy, get a taxi—there is less need for you to shove the drugs into your penny that way, you can just keep them on your lap in a holdall. I truly to not understand this travel decision.

ii. To get the capsule (or capsules) out of a Kinder Egg, one must eat the chocolate first, and I want to enquire as to what the vibe is like in a room when you are eating a Kinder Egg with the express intention of shoving the middle of it up your bum. Like: Sean Kenny and his brother, just tearing through a box of Kinder Eggs, methodically, no joy, popping all the capsules in a little pile in the middle of a coffee table, knowing where they were going. Knowing exactly where they were going. They were going up their asses.

iii. Did they make the toys in the middle or nah?

iv. When one is putting a substantial number of drug-filled Kinder Egg capsules up one's pipe, does one lubricate first, or is there a sort of machismo in putting a Kinder Egg inner inside your body without assistance? I feel like a man who wanted to put a lot of heroin into his bum for monetary reasons might have some reservations about lubing up first. I dunno why this is. I just… I just can't shake the mental image of Sean Kenny, on all fours on a coffee table, sweating and shouting "I'm not gay!" while his brother thumbs another Kinder Egg into his ass.

v. Again, a question of quantities: £25,000 [$33,000] worth of drugs is a pretty decent amount of drugs, by volume! That is a lot of drugs to put in your anus! That's…. that's quite a lot of heroin to have up your ass! How you walking, my boy?

I suppose we've all learned a lot this week, specifically about the smuggling of drugs from one place to another. Sit with me and hold my hand and let's review our findings: shoving 7.2 grams of cocaine up your dick? Bad. Shoving £25,000 of smack up your lentil? An inadvisable idea. If you want to smuggle drugs into Glastonbury or whatever—that's the only time you really let go, these days, isn't it, what with the triathlon coming up and trying to get your head down at work, they say if you do overtime for six more months then in a couple years you could make it up to partner level, that's how Lewis got started and look at him now, plus you're saving up for a flat, also, so no gak, thanks, and you've sort of been on a healthy kick lately haven't you, lots of juice and juicing and prunes, so it's not really worth a big weekend now, just sweating and crunching your teeth and feeling bad all Sunday, you'd rather go for a run, wouldn't you, same high!—but yeah just shove it in your sock or fold it into a loaf of bread like everyone else.

Again, to reiterate, in case you need it: don't fill a Kinder Egg capsule with smack and bang it up your asshole. Thank you for your time.

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