What Would These Celebrities Be Like as Ghosts?

Photo by Eddie Berthier via Flickr

Halloween may be behind us, but that doesn't stop spooky things from happening. Paranormal happenings occur the whole year round, friends, and not even our favourite celebrities are exempt from the ectoplasmic horrors that reveal themselves when a spirit refuses to cross over, trapped in the screaming hell of a world they're not meant to inhabit.

Nation's sweetheart and all round sound lad Robbie Williams is in a bit of a paranormal pickle. He and his wife have just moved into a lovely home in west London that was previously occupied by the late film director Michael Winner. But there's a problem. They've apparently had to enlist the help of a Native American spiritual healer to exorcise the ghost of the deceased insurance advertiser.

What would a haunting from Michael Winner be like, anyway? For one, he would undoubtedly spell out the words "disgusting tripe" if you ever dared consume alphabetti spaghetti in his former home. The pots and pans would rattle in the night, and the irate spirit would pop blu-rays of Death Wish into the PS4 at the dead of night.

So that's that. But what would other celebrities be like as ghosts? I bet you've asked yourself that plenty of times, haven't you? Well ask no more, because I've got some answers for you right here.

Now this is sure to be a messy ghost – haunting indie girls' make-up bags, leaving fag butts all over the place. Dockers would be the closest thing on this list to a Ghostbusters-esque "Slimer" character. Your front room would be the frontline of this ghostly battle; the exorcist spending most of his time spraying holy water from a hose onto your sofa, which would be covered in a green mildew and mulchy copies of NME and The Fly. Good news is he presumably wouldn't be too hard to get rid of; just throw a deck of Marlboros out the front door and he'll be sure to follow.

Photo by Wikipedia user PortlandVillage

The ghost of Babs would, I like to think, not harken to her days as snarling landlady supreme Peggy Mitchell, but as the bawdy perennial star of Britain's favourite innuendo film series Carry On… You wouldn't be waking up to bumps in the night, but rather to your bannisters covered in brassieres, your bananas and oranges arranged in lewd shapes on the kitchen table, and a shaven pussy (cat!). You'd come downstairs and, instead of ringing the priest and the estate agent, you'd stick your hands on your hips, shake your head and have a little chuckle. Babs is a fun-loving woman, and if she has to spend the rest of eternity in the black void between worlds, she's going to try and bring a bit of joy to the proceedings.

They say the scariest ghosts are the ones who've seen the most trauma, the most hardship, the most grief – and while Barrymore is the UK's former favourite light entertainer, he's seen some shit. His haunting would be gloomy; it would darken every room. But it would be a subtle haunting. Instead of terrifying poltergeistery, it would be more like a deep, unshakable malaise that would be impossible to shift. He'd be like one of those dementor things from Harry Potter, but instead of sucking your soul out of your mouth he'd just try to crack a few crap gags to your nan when she's over, and probably try to drink the sherry out of her glass.

(Photo: Acumen Images, via)

Everyone's favourite L-shaped-jaw-having MP is, like all of us, going to slip into the afterlife at some point, no doubt in a matter befitting his bizarre existence on the fringes of our consciousness. Lembit, I imagine, will do something like haunt Virgin Active changing rooms up and down the country, swooping into each one, having a gander, then screaming off into the night. Chilling.

Cher is the ghost in the machine. Cher will be in your phone posting aubergine emojis to your ex, Cher will be cancelling your Netflix subscription because she's getting suspicious about how many serial killer documentaries you feel the need to watch. Cher will be tweeting angry messages to the official accounts of shops you've never even been to. She'll be filling your YouTube history with speed runs when you're trying to impress a girl. She'll take the batteries out of your remote, unplug your phone while you're sleeping so it dies on the bus. She'll get you banned from your favourite forum. She's a translucent post-life troublemaker, and you would do well not to fuck with her, in this life or the next.

@joe_bish

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