Are you a fancy person? Douchey? A waste of money and resources? Just by walking down the street wearing the fashions you wear, are you turning the stomachs of the youth, sending them into absolute rage mode?
When you see a pack of middle schoolers and they look at you, do you suspect they hate you but you think maybe you’re just paranoid? You’re not. It’s even worse than you thought.
Eva is 10, homeschooled, and when she grows up she wants to be a swordsman.
Sadie is 9, and when she grows up she wants to be a cheerleader and run a gym.
Max is 16, homeschooled, and when he grows up he wants to be a geneticist.
Dora is 12 and when she grows up she wants to be an eco-terrorist.
Will is 14, and he doesn’t want you to know what he’s going to be when he grows up.
Wolf is 17, and when he grows up he wants to live with the animals.
VICE: Do any of you know what haute couture is?
Sadie: Prettyful and uncomfortable and awesome and ugly all at the same time.
Max: I think clothes should be sensible and not—
Dora: —made out of glass or meat.
Is there no place for glass or meat in clothes?
Will: It doesn’t make sense. Clothes should be clothes, not random shit.
You guys are such Nazis. Why should clothes make sense? Why should art make sense? Why should any forward-thinking construct make sense?
Will: If you’re wearing it as art, then that’s fine, but if you’re wearing it to be a fancy person, then it’s not fancy; it’s dumb.
Dora: If you’re trying to get attention and only that, then you shouldn’t be wearing it. Or if you’re wearing it because it costs a lot of money, that’s just douchey.
You guys are so brutal! When I get my fancy duds off Fashion Week, I’m not wearing them over your house!
Will: Are you going to buy a glass-and-meat outfit?
Yes! Why not?
Dora: It’s a waste of money and a waste of resources, to make clothes out of animal products or gems, like a diamond dress.
It’s beauty! Beauty has a right to use things; that’s not waste. It’s philosophy in a physical form.
Max: My philosophy is that I might have to run away from a horde at any time, so I should be wearing clothes suitable to that situation at all times.
What do you think it says about someone when they’re wearing a suit?
Max: It says to me that they’re probably a secret agent, or some other kind of secret agent—spying on the other agent.
What does it say about someone when they’re wearing dirty, ripped, mismatched, smelly clothing?
Max: That they’re probably me, looking in the mirror. The only fashion style that turns my stomach and sends me into absolute rage mode is scene kids: genital-crushing jeans and flippy hair.
Wolf: An outfit that made me want to throw up was one day I wore a shirt to school and at the end of the day I found out I had a curse word on me, and I wasn’t even noticing this. Cursing is not a nice thing to say.
How did that shirt land in your wardrobe, I wonder?
Wolf: Don’t know. They just show up.
What do you think about kids in sexy, skimpy clothes with words on the butt?
Will: That they belong in the worst place in hell. They obviously—or their parents—spent 500 bucks on clothes probably made by slaves.
Max: If somebody’s dressed provocative, or as some people refer to, “whorey,” maybe they’re just insecure. Because anyone would be absolutely crazy to wear those clothes seriously.
Maybe they just are provocative and whorey, and they feel very secure about it; it’s just who they are.
Max: I would be delighted to meet somebody like that.
Sadie: Like what words are on the butt?
Sadie: Ewww. Some people have pants that say GAP. I don’t think people should have their butts say “juicy” or “gap.”
I must admit I have some pajamas that say “Wanna make out?” on the butt.
It was an accident. They were black pajamas with little red flowers and I didn’t find out about them making my butt ask if anyone wants to make out until I got home and it was too late. Is there some outfit that makes you girls want to throw up when you see it?
Sadie: When my mom has “Do you want to make out?” on her butt.
Eva: If they have a shirt where their boobs show.
Is there an age when it’s OK to be busty, or do you always have to be discreet?
Sadie: Thirty’s too old. It would be gross if you were dressing busty.
I’m not 30, but thank you.
Eva: I think 20 to 28 would be okay.
So when they turn 29, they send their busty shirts to the Salvation Army, and how should they dress then?
Eva: Long skirts.
Sadie: Or dresses or pants. Slippers. And any shirt that doesn’t show your boobs or your tattoos on your boobs. We had a substitute teacher, and she had tattoos on her boobs!
What do your clothes say about you?
Max: That I slept in them. For a long time.
What does that say about your personality?
Max: That I probably shouldn’t be given a job.
Eva: I dress like Sadie because she is awesome.
Sadie: My favorite shirt has Snoopy on it. And I wear sneakers and jeans.
How long have you guys been friends?
Eva and Sadie: Since preschool.
Wolf: I try to look like Ronnie but he doesn’t really like it. I got my hair cut like his and he got annoyed. He’s sensitive, though.
Eva: I dress like Sadie or like Link from Zelda.
Oh, that character. Do you carry a lightning bolt?
Eva: No. A shield and a sword. Link wears a green tunic, so I wear a big green shirt. And brown boots that don’t lace up.
What do your clothes say about you, Will?
Will: Absolutely nothing. I want it that way. That’s why I choose t-shirts with logos that mean nothing. Like this shirt, just random letters.
Why don’t you just wear solid colors with no logos, then?
Will: Because I want to throw them off. Make them think there’s meaning where there’s none.
Dora, what do your clothes say about you?
Dora: Shoot old people.
Shoot old people?!
Dora: Yeah, I don’t know… why not?
Previously - What Kids Say - What Is Rape?