This Week in Balls - March 26

Not everyone has the time or the inclination to follow sports full-time, or even real-time. Thankfully, we combed the latest, greatest, and worst stories from the world of sports this past week—Tebow, Tebow, Tebow, a bunch of other guys—so you can hobnob with the weird regular people at the office, your doorman, or your minions, if you have minions.

NFL:
-Tim Tebow became a Jet and it’s raised a boatload of questions—how will it affect Mark Sanchez? What will his teammates think? Why are some people fans of Tim Tebow? When will Peyton Manning’s trouble-worn neck be fine? What does the Game of Thrones dude think about it? What does Alec Baldwin have to say about the Post’s Jets coverage?—but it’s a stupid story, one about which there’s not much to say.

-Saints coach Sean Payton got suspended for a full season for the whole paying-players-to-injure-other-players thing, an intense but called-for punishment. Doing nothing might have created problems for the league, which still isn’t doing anything about retired players dying from football-related injuries—if you’ve never read up on the subject, Alan Schwarz’s work is where to start, and Schwarz’s work can’t be cited enough. Are things getting better? Marion Barber, a top-tier running back who made his money running through people, may be thinking that it isn’t, if his retirement at 28 is any indication.

NCAA Hoops:
-The Final Four is set: Louisville and Ohio State on Saturday, Kentucky, and Kansas on Sunday. John “Mark” Calipari, the best young coach in the country by several measures, is two wins away from a title, and apparently a heck of a guy. The Ohio State coach chews gum like a maniac and doesn’t care if it touches the ground.

-College athletics remains as dirty as gym-floor gum, and, at last week’s World Congress of Sports—sort of like TED Talks, but the Skechers CEO gets invited—a bunch of people speculated that change might be coming, and right quick. Please?

NBA:
-LeBron James, who is otherwise a terrible person, stepped up with his teammates to honor Trayvon Martin’s memory after Geraldo Rivera’s unbelievably pinheaded screed about a hoodie killing a kid. Martin’s father thanked the team for the comments. Other NBA folks weighed in too. Good job being decent human beings, everyone!

-The Hawks and Jazz played a four-overtime game on Sunday, which was about as exciting to watch as it was for me to type that sentence. Ronnie Brewer went to see the Hunger Games, apparently at 11:40 at night.

-Derek Fisher went to the Oklahoma City Thunder, a team with few flaws. He might be the difference, and they could win everything if he keeps the young team themselves during the finals, when media attention, scrutiny, and the like will be at a fever pitch. Sure, he sucks now, but at least he’s a better bet than free-agent point guard Jon Scheyer, who’s back in America after not being able to hack it for Maccabi Tel Aviv.

MLB:
-Joba Chamberlain, snake-bitten reliever who has been impersonated by this guy, messed up his leg jumping on a trampoline with his kid. Plenty of fans and even some media members have been up in arms about his irresponsibility. Trampolines aren’t even as dangerous as cars. Everyone needs to lighten up.

-Most teams’ rosters are shored up, except the Braves’. See, Brandon McCarthy fucked up his finger and had to go to a salon to get a manicure; it cost four bucks.

NHL:
-Alexander Ovechkin is good again, maybe, and the Capitals are relevant once more.

-McGill is the greatest team in sports history.

-Graham James, the pederast youth hockey coach, was sentenced to two years in prison: Was that enough? His brother doesn’t think so. James’s mugshot was also leaked.

Other sports:
-Boxing writer Bert Sugar, a legend in the game, passed away on Sunday. He will be missed.

-Tiger Woods is good again, yuck.

@samreiss_

Previously - March 19