Jason's Stuff - The NO2 Portable Digital Vapir Vaporizer

So far my reviews have been little more than pitching mounds for me to lob cock jokes from. You can’t blame me, the things I’ve reviewed have all been kind of silly in the first place: giant gummy worms, novelty rum, towels, etc. Today’s item, however, The NO2 Portable Digital Vapir Vaporizer, is a very serious piece of equipment, and I intend to give it a very serious appraisal.

Because my girlfriend thinks I’m stupid when I’m stoned (I’m actually hilarious), I took the NO2 Portable Digital Vapir Vaporizer to my friend Simon’s sunny backyard where Simon, myself, and two other potheads popped open the box and investigated its contents. Inside were the vaporizer, its battery, a charger, a collection of little tools for cleaning the unit, some spare parts, and an instruction manual. It also came with a little aluminum weed grinder which, I have to say, is up there with the super-conductor in terms of the best inventions of the 21st century. We pulled everything out, went through all the pre-vape set up directions, and were ready for a test drive in just under ten minutes. Excellent. But how do these things work?

Vaporizers work by using heat instead of flame to extract THC and CBN, the active ingredients in weed. When heated to a temperature of about 180-200° C, marijuana releases its precious chemicals without actually burning. This creates a fine, clean, mist that goes almost unnoticed as it passes into your lungs. In fact, if it weren’t for the light fog you exhale at the end (and the hankering for Zeppelin and Häagen-Dazs) you’d swear the unit wasn’t even working.

So that’s the science out of the way, let’s talk about the effects. Normally when I smoke pot, I go through a variety of psychological stages ranging from the very pleasant to the downright horrible. Like a lot of people, I’m prone to bouts of paranoid introspection when I smoke, so I rarely smoke at all. I’m happy to report, though, that while using the NO2 Portable Digital Vapir Vaporizer I experienced absolutely no negative side effects. I didn’t feel heavy, tired, frightened or bewildered, I just felt really, really good. I was as stoned as 50 Willy Nelsons, but I could easily have had a long conversation with a policeman and enjoyed every second of it.

Here’s an example of the weird shit I was totally able to deal with: Tim (one of the aforementioned potheads) needed a photograph of water droplets falling from the sky for a project he was working on. So, after a hefty vape-toke, he and I drifted over to the community garden to look for a hose. If you’ve never seen a New York City community garden, they’re basically public-tended jungles that thrive in vacant lots throughout the city.

We passed through the gates of this particular garden and were greeted by a small group of aging homosexuals sitting beneath a vine-strangled gazebo. Tim did all the talking (I just giggled) and we were directed to the rear of the lot where the garden keepers were said to be hanging out. “Thanks!” said Tim, and we floated off. After spending half an hour rediscovering the joys of flowers and plants, we eventually arrived at the very rear of the garden where two immaculately dressed, gray-haired gentlemen lazed on a shady bench. They both wore flowing white summer suits and fanned themselves slowly with paper fans.

“Hello,” said Tim.

“Hahahaha,” said I.

“Hello, boys,” said the gayer of the two men as though he were expecting us. “How can we help you?”

Tim explained that we needed to take pictures of water droplets and wondered if we could use one of the hoses. They both nodded and smiled, and then the quieter of the two took me by the hand and whisked me down some mossy steps to a hidden area of the garden called "Joe's Plot."

“You can spray your hose here, boy,” said the man, my hand still in his. “You can spray your hose in Joe’s Plot.” Now, under normal circumstances I would have felt enormously uncomfortable in this situation, but, thanks to the NO2 Portable Digital Vapir Vaporizer, I found it hilarious. I was deep in the Amazon, holding hands with a gay septuagenarian. I should have been freaking out, but it just got funnier and funnier. I sprayed the hose into the sky; Tim snapped photos; the immaculate gentlemen watched from their bench, fanning each other all the while. I almost wet myself.

I can honestly say that having used the NO2 Portable Digital Vapir Vaporizer, I will never smoke a weed again.

JASON CROMBIE