Mitt Romney Hates Britain

Mitt Romney wants to be the next Republican president of America and doesn’t care what Barack Obama or anyone else thinks about that. He’s a $250m Mormon who looks like a silver-haired Ralph Lauren model and owns a fully stocked three-yacht garage. A few years ago, he beat up one of the people from LMFAO on an aeroplane. He once drove to Canada with the family dog on the car roof in a cage. In short, he does not appear to give enough of a shit to be the leader of the Free World, but there's a very real possibility that he soon will be. Mitt was in London the other night to host a $25,000-per-person fundraiser for his election campaign, which was paid for by rich Americans living in the UK. While he’s been in the country, he has been meeting leaders, insulting our preparations for the Olympics and denying his aide’s (probably) racist comments about Obama not understanding our “Anglo-Saxon heritage”.

I ventured out into Central London to find some Americans and discover what kind of person they think their prospective new leader is.

From left to right: Kevin, 18, Paul, 18, Chase, 18, Tanner, 19 – all from Texas. VICE: Hello. Are you from America?
Paul: Yeah!
Tanner: How could you tell? I don’t know. Can you tell me who Mitt Romney is?
Kevin: I don’t know him personally. He’s a businessman, he seems caring, he’s a Mormon – so he has love for everybody – and he seems like he loves our country. What’s Mitt doing here?
Tanner: Publicity, I guess. The entire world’s eyes are on London now, so why not be here? It’s a kind of a smart move. If you had $25,000 spare, would you go to Mitt’s dinner party tonight?
Paul: No.
Tanner: I think there’s a lot more that I would want to do with 25 grand right now in London. Like what?
Go watch women’s soccer, because the US women’s soccer team is smokin’ hot. Apparently Mitt Romney wants to ban internet porn. What would you do if he took all the porn off the internet?
Paul: That’s a great idea.
Tanner: The porn industry is a multi-million dollar industry and makes a lot of money, so a lot of people are going to get upset about that, but it’s just distasteful, it really is, and if the US wants to stand for something, if they want to be a shining light in the world…

It should ban porn?
Yeah, we should get rid of it, you know. If it’s going to make our country look better in the long run, and show that we stand for something, then it’s worth it. Nik, 25 and Sadie,19 – from Iowa. Are you excited Mitt Romney is in town?
Nik: Yeah, it’s cool. Whether it’s Mitt Romney or President Obama, it’s exciting that someone’s in town. And you?
Sadie: Yeah! Though I would not be excited if Obama was in town. What’s wrong with Obama?
I’ll be here for hours. Go on.
I think I’ll leave this interview now. Ah. Does it bother you that none of Mitt’s friends are as poor as you?
Nik: What’s wrong with being successful and making millions of dollars because you worked hard? If someone wants to lead the country that I’m living in, I want to know that they’ve been successful. Mitt Romney thinks the US should be the most powerful country in the world.
Not to sound pompous and American, but to say that we’re not the most powerful country in the world, along with England, is unrealistic. Really? You think we're the most powerful country in the world?
The United Kingdom is our friend.

I see. Mitt's a pretty good looking guy. Would you still vote for him if he was deformed or looked like Newt Gingrich?
Sadie: Yeah…
Nik: In the US they talk a lot about the sex appeal of candidates, but no, that’d be like us coming over here and asking “Are you going to vote for David Cameron because he’s good looking?” But he’s not.
Well what I'm trying to say is that we care about more than looks. Mitt Romney owns a horse that is competing in the Olympics. Has Mitt Romney’s horse got what it takes to win?
I hope it does. It’s an American horse, I’m an American, so I’m cheering for it to win.

What a patriot. Samantha, 19 (left) and Sarah, 20. You must be from America.
Sarah: No. We’re Canadian.

Oh. Tell me about Mitt Romney.
Samantha: Um…
Sarah: Well, he’s a little bit power hungry, with loads of money, and he doesn’t really represent the majority.
Samantha: [to Sarah] Wow, very impressive.

I heard that Mitt Romney once went to Canada. He drove for 12 hours with a dog on the roof of his car to get there.
I heard about that!
Sarah: Did he tie the dog down?

It was in a cage.
No kidding.

Would people in Canada be OK with that?
I feel like most people would say "no". What about beating up the guy from LMFAO? Do you think he should have done that?
Was it like, a fist fight? Apparently Mitt gave him a Vulcan death grip on an aeroplane.
Samantha: I think it was probably justified. Those guys are douchebags. Jenerro, 25 – from Texas, now lives in Manor House, North London. What do you think of Mitt Romney?
Jenerro: He seems kind of out-of-touch with the middle class, a lot of people don’t like his stance. Are you a fan of Obama?
I am. Why?
I think he’s done a good job. It’s going slower than everyone would like it to go, but it was a big mess that he had to fix. Do you think that people in the UK would be better off with Obama or Romney?
I’d say Obama, because he’s got better foreign policy. And Romney said we couldn’t pull off the Olympics.
I did hear that quote. I disagree with that. Everything seems OK. Well, not quite, but I won't press you on that because I heard Mitt Romney WANTS TO BURN ALL THE PORN ON THE INTERNET.
Well in America we always had freedom of speech and things like that. And porn is a pretty basic freedom.
Yeah. Alright then. Are you going to vote?
Yeah.

Do you think you should be allowed to vote even though you can’t be bothered to live in America?
Uh.. probably.

Since everyone seems to think that Mitt Romney has at least a 50 percent chance of being president of the World’s Most Powerful Country by January 2013, we might have to start paying attention to the porn-hating, dog-abusing, Brylcreem advert sockpuppet they call Mittens.

But the people of Britain should not be confused: Even if you have to care about Romney, Romney does not care about you. This same guy who couldn’t be bothered to be polite for a three-day trip to our shores also once said that we are “just a small island” that doesn’t make anything good and would have been “lost to Hitler” if it weren’t for the Channel getting in his way. Charming. The Americans I interviewed might disagree on whether Romney is the best man for America, but they probably all agree with Romney on one count: to them, we’re just a bunch of inbred, yellow-toothed peasants who are only useful when we're helping the States invade countries or footing the bill for sports competitions that their athletes are going to win. So fuck America and fuck Mitt Romney. When they finally go to war with China, I’m on China’s side.

Follow Matt on Twitter: @mjponsford