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Hey Ron!

Hey Ron! - My Pussy Makes My Boyfriend Sneeze

This week our accounts receivable manager is presented with a female-cum-feline Catch-22: A gal who just adopted a cute li’l kitty and her severely dander-allergic beau. Now it’s either him or the cat, and things could get nasty real quick. Of course, Ron easily navigates the situation and presents our troubled reader with a wide selection of options.

Hey Ron!

The other night I was awoken at 4 AM by some commotion outside of my building. I thought it might've been a burglar so I grabbed the bat that I keep next to my bed and headed downstairs to listen. Then I heard a meow. I opened the door and an adorable kitten was outside shivering in the cold. I scooped him up and he's been living with me ever since. The problem is that I've been dating a guy for a couple months and things have been going great, but he's severely allergic to cats. He was away on a business trip when I found Sammy (that's what I named the cat), and when he found out that I was planning on keeping the kitty he freaked out. It's true that he won't really be able to come to my place anymore because he'll start sneezing and his eyes will water uncontrollably, but I don't want to give up the cat. I'm pretty sure we will break up if I don't get rid of Sammy, but I don't want to lose the guy either. What do I do?

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Thanks,
Veronica

Dear Veronica,

I love animals, but I love women even more. Cats and dogs are great company when you don’t have the opposite sex, but if I had to choose what’s going to keep me warm at night, it’s going to be a fine woman, not an animal. I think that you should try to find a good friend who will take the cat so you can still visit. If you think this relationship (with your man, not the kitty) has the potential to grow into something I think you should put more effort into it. A cat isn’t going to talk to you, it’s not going to take you out to dinner, it’s not going to buy you a valentine’s gift, or give you a birthday card. You’re not getting anything but some purring and a chance to watch your cat lick its own cat, and that’s not fun for anyone but her. A man can do a lot more than a cat, I promise. I think your decision is a no-brainer.

Now, on the other hand, girls do some tricky stuff sometimes. I wouldn’t be surprised if you actually want to dump him for some stupid reason, but you’re thinking of using the cat as an excuse. And if that’s the case I think you should do it, but try to be nice. Or maybe he’s the kind of guy who will freak out and throw his cell phone at your head when you try to break up with him. If that’s the case, by all means use the situation to your advantage here.

There’s one thing you have to remember here, though: It would be humiliating for any human to be dumped over a cat. If you decide to go this route, don’t be surprised if your tires are slashed or someone puts cat poo under the door handles of your car. Also, have you thought about buying shampoos or something of that nature? Science today has solved many of our problems, and maybe there’s something out there that can help you. Perhaps getting the cat spayed will help? I don’t know, I’m not a veterinarian.

Anyway, to sum things up: If you decide to keep the cat and not the boyfriend, my personal opinion is that you’re into women and in denial. You’re gay. Get laid by another gay girl, and find out if that’s what you really want—to give up being strictly dickly to lick some cat.

Love,
Ron

Previously on Hey Ron! RONAGEDDON IS NEAR HEY RON! - WHAT’S UP WITH “THE MEDIA”? HEY RON! - THE STATE OF MY UNION No problem is too big for our man Ron. If you’ve got something on your chest, send an email to vice@viceland.com.